My 5 


Almost 6 years ago I lost my first baby. 


That’s probably not the way to start a blog but to be honest, I can’t think of another way-I’ve
been waiting to find a time when I can speak about what I went through.

And now words seem to fail me. 

 

My Story.

I was picking up washing off of the floor when it happened. Pop‘. I can honestly recall hearing my tummy making that noise.

I’d never had a miscarriage before. I’d never even thought about it being a possibility for me after having a baby 18 months before. Maybe that made me ignorant.  Maybe I took it all for granted.

Something told me to go the toilet.  As I sat down, in toddled my 18 month old.
He wanted juice.  I remember he asked for it as I looked down at the toilet paper. I remember getting up and repeating “juice, juice” at him so I didn’t forget. I got his juice and sat him with a snack in front of the TV.

On autopilot I went to the bedroom, sat on the end of my bed and called my husband. He never usually answered calls while at work-but he did, straight away. It didn’t occur to me until after that day, how odd it really was.

I told him I needed to go to the hospital, that I was bleeding and that he needed to get his Mum to come and sit with Kye.

I waited for him to come and just sat, hugging my tummy so tight.  I tried to keep our baby in, asking it not to go, repeating over and over “please don’t leave me”.

My husband came home. “It’s just a bit of blood”, he said, “It happens to a lot of women”. His Mum said the same thing when she arrived to collect Kye-I knew though.

After a long wait at the hospital, following lots of bloods being taken and a three hour wait for a scan, in we went.
She scanned…..and scanned…..and no heartbeat was found. It had never been there. Our little baby, who I’d been planning pushchairs and car seats for, had never even been alive.

The ultrasound technician said “we’ll scan you again to make sure next week.” I remember questioning in my head, why she’d bother-we all knew what was happening.

I sobbed the whole way back to my little room. A lady came in and held me-and I heard my husband saying to her “they said her dates might just be out, they’re going to re-scan her-nothing’s 100%”. I pulled away from her arms, watching how she looked at him and then back at me-I already knew and so did she.

Regardless of whether there was ever a heartbeat, I remember my baby.  I remember feeling and being pregnant. That was my child. 

I went on to have two more miscarriages.  Each as heartbreaking as the other but each expected after the first one.  I’d mentally set myself up for loss.  Each time it happened I’d say “well I knew that would happen”, while being as devastated as before.

Little did I know that setting myself up for loss and negativity as I did during those years, as well as the lack of mental health aftercare following my losses, led to me being diagnosed with PTSD including severe anxiety disorder and depression a year after my daughter was born. 

Ironically, I actually fell pregnant for the 5th time, while I was waiting for test results to find out why I kept losing babies.

I never found out why, because this one stuck.  I had a daughter-my rainbow baby after my storms.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have my children, even if I hadn’t had anymore-I was blessed to be given the chance to even have one.  I understand that there are so many people around the world can’t have babies, or who have had even more losses than me,  and I can’t imagine how that feels.

People think when you’ve had a baby after losses, it helps with the feeling of grief and loss.  They believe that because you already have a child, you be grateful for that one-and it should “help” ease your pain-I can’t say that I agree.
Don’t get me wrong-my children make me happier than I can explain.  But I’ll never not grieve for my unborn babies-I’ll never not wonder what they would have looked like, or been like-whether they’d have shared any traits or similarities with their Brother and Sister.

Ultimately-I have carried 5 babies, and I am a Mummy to all of them.

 

For support and information-go over to Tommy’s and The Miscarriage Association websites.

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25 thoughts on “My 5 

  1. Beautiful article and so sad to hear of the death of your children.

    I miscarried four times before the birth of my son – he is thirteen now.

    Recurrent miscarriage is a dreadful horror and sorrow and I came close to losing my mental health for good.

    Before the unspeakably sad losses (the miscarriages caused me to have extensive treatment and tests, including two operations and a cancer scare that involved weeks of waiting for results), I naively planned a large family. Didn’t happen, but I have my miracle child now and he is my world.

    If I’m honest, my feelings about my first four babies and their deaths affects me less than it did. I think that is less to do with me not loving them as it has to do with the fact that, if I think too much, I might fall apart again.

    Hugs to you and best wishes to you and your family.

  2. I looked at the little symbols at the end of your post; I have the blue heart and the star – just the one. I don’t know what’s next and it’s terrifying. My star’s due date is the 13th of this month, but I will never meet him.
    Thank you for sharing your experiences.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story, you put into words what I’ve never been able to get across to people who haven’t been through it. I lost 3 and thought I’d never have any, 11 years later I have 3 beautiful children. They make me so happy but the experience and loss changed me forever x x ⭐⭐⭐💙💙💜

  4. This is just beautiful and you describe the way a loss feels so well. I’m so sorry for the loss of your babies and can relate to an extent following my one ectopic pregnancy last year. I do so want another child and that is definitely part of my grief (complicated by fertility problems), but I will never forget the baby that was wanted so much and was just in the wrong place at the right time. Thank you for this – I will share x

  5. Thank you for writing this so honestly and for sharing. I have watched the strength and the suffering in some of my closest friends as they have dealt with, and continue to deal with, this loss.I know articles like this provide a lot of support. It is frightening sitting waiting to see what sort of reaction you might have when you put your most vulnerable thoughts into words and post them on a blog – I hope you can see from the reaction that you have had so far how powerful and important this piece of writing is.

  6. It’s been 7 years and I still miss him and grieve for him. It was far too early to tell but I knew he was a wee boy, and I’ll always miss my son. I have 2 little girls now, and I love them dearly, but you’re right. The pain doesn’t go away. You always still feel there’s someone missing, and imagining what they would be like.
    I’m so sorry you had to go through it too. Thank you for sharing your experience so beautifully. xx

  7. I can relate to your story and empathise. I lost 4 babies before having my daughter followed a couple of years later by my son. Thankfully a cause was found for my recurrent miscarriage which enabled me to have 2 healthy pregnancies. I dealt with my losses by knowing that if my first pregnancies had been successful, I wouldn’t have the children I have now so I feel that they are my destiny. As much as I might mourn my losses I couldn’t imagine my life without the 2 children I have ended up with.

  8. This is beautifully written but oh so sad. I have suffered 3 miscarriages, with my first I was only 17 and went to my dating scan expecting everything to be fine however my baby’s heartbeat had stopped nearly 4 weeks beforehand, I had to have an operation to remove the baby. My second was 3 months after at 6 weeks, then just 2 mon the after I found out I was pregnant again and 8 months later my beautiful rainbow baby was born, she my son was 9 months old I found out I was pregnant but lost it a few days later, I love all 3 of my angel babies dearly, and i think to myself without them miscarriages I wouldn’t have my son, it makes it that little bit easier. Thankyou for sharing your story xx

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