My 5 

Almost 5 years ago I lost my first baby. 

That’s probably not the way to start a blog but to be honest, I can’t think of another way-I’ve been waiting to find a time when I can speak about what I went through.

And now words seem to fail me. 

I was picking up washing off of the floor when it happened. ‘Pop’. Honestly that’s the noise my tummy made. 

I’d never had a miscarriage before. I’d never even thought about it being a possibility for me after having a baby 18 months before. Does that make me ignorant? Did I take it for granted? 

Something told me to go the toilet. 

In toddled my 18 month old toddler (why do they always want something when you’re on the loo?) 

He wanted juice. I remember he asked for it as I looked down at the toilet paper. I remember getting up and repeating “juice”, “juice” at him so I didn’t forget. I got his juice and sat him with a snack in front of the TV. 

On autopilot I went to the bedroom, sat on the end of my bed and called my husband. He never answers at work-but he did, straight away. 

I said “I need to go to the hospital, I’m bleeding and you need to get your mum to come and sit with our boy.” 

I waited for him to come and hugged my tummy so tight, I tried to keep it in, I asked the baby not to go, please don’t leave me I kept repeating.

My husband came home. “It’s just a bit of blood”, he said. “It happens to a lot of women”. His mum said the same thing. I knew though. 

After a long wait at the hospital, lots of bloods taken and a 3 hour wait for a scan, in we went. She scanned…..and scanned…..and no heartbeat was found. It had never been there. Our little baby, who I’d been planning pushchairs and car seats for, had never even been alive. 

The ultrasound technician said “we’ll scan you again to make sure next week.” 

I sobbed the whole way back to my little room. A lady came in and held me. She gave hubs some leaflets. And he kept saying to her “they said her dates might just be out, they’re going to rescan her-nothing’s 100%”. I saw how she looked at him. I already knew and so did she. 

I remember my baby. I remember feeling pregnant. That was my child. 

I went on to have two more miscarriages. Each as heartbreaking as the other but each expected after the first one. I mentally set myself up for loss. Each time it happened I’d say well I knew that would happen, while being as devestated as before. 

Little did I know that setting myself up for loss and negativity as I did during those years led to me being diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and depression a year after my daughter was born. 

I fell pregnant for the 5th time, while I was waiting for test results for why I kept losing babies. 

This one stuck. I had a daughter. My rainbow after my storms. 

I am so blessed to have my children, even if I hadn’t had anymore, I was blessed to be given the chance to have one. So many people around the world can’t have children and I can’t imagine how that feels. 

People think when you’ve had a baby after losses, it helps with the feeling of grief and loss? I can’t say it does. My children make me happier than I can explain. But I’ll never not grieve for my unborn babies, I’ll never not wonder what they’d have looked like, what they would’ve been like-like their brother and sister maybe? 

I have carried 5 babies, and I am a mummy to all of them.


25 thoughts on “My 5 

  1. Beautiful article and so sad to hear of the death of your children.

    I miscarried four times before the birth of my son – he is thirteen now.

    Recurrent miscarriage is a dreadful horror and sorrow and I came close to losing my mental health for good.

    Before the unspeakably sad losses (the miscarriages caused me to have extensive treatment and tests, including two operations and a cancer scare that involved weeks of waiting for results), I naively planned a large family. Didn’t happen, but I have my miracle child now and he is my world.

    If I’m honest, my feelings about my first four babies and their deaths affects me less than it did. I think that is less to do with me not loving them as it has to do with the fact that, if I think too much, I might fall apart again.

    Hugs to you and best wishes to you and your family.

  2. I looked at the little symbols at the end of your post; I have the blue heart and the star – just the one. I don’t know what’s next and it’s terrifying. My star’s due date is the 13th of this month, but I will never meet him.
    Thank you for sharing your experiences.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story, you put into words what I’ve never been able to get across to people who haven’t been through it. I lost 3 and thought I’d never have any, 11 years later I have 3 beautiful children. They make me so happy but the experience and loss changed me forever x x ⭐⭐⭐💙💙💜

  4. This is just beautiful and you describe the way a loss feels so well. I’m so sorry for the loss of your babies and can relate to an extent following my one ectopic pregnancy last year. I do so want another child and that is definitely part of my grief (complicated by fertility problems), but I will never forget the baby that was wanted so much and was just in the wrong place at the right time. Thank you for this – I will share x

  5. Thank you for writing this so honestly and for sharing. I have watched the strength and the suffering in some of my closest friends as they have dealt with, and continue to deal with, this loss.I know articles like this provide a lot of support. It is frightening sitting waiting to see what sort of reaction you might have when you put your most vulnerable thoughts into words and post them on a blog – I hope you can see from the reaction that you have had so far how powerful and important this piece of writing is.

  6. It’s been 7 years and I still miss him and grieve for him. It was far too early to tell but I knew he was a wee boy, and I’ll always miss my son. I have 2 little girls now, and I love them dearly, but you’re right. The pain doesn’t go away. You always still feel there’s someone missing, and imagining what they would be like.
    I’m so sorry you had to go through it too. Thank you for sharing your experience so beautifully. xx

  7. I can relate to your story and empathise. I lost 4 babies before having my daughter followed a couple of years later by my son. Thankfully a cause was found for my recurrent miscarriage which enabled me to have 2 healthy pregnancies. I dealt with my losses by knowing that if my first pregnancies had been successful, I wouldn’t have the children I have now so I feel that they are my destiny. As much as I might mourn my losses I couldn’t imagine my life without the 2 children I have ended up with.

  8. This is beautifully written but oh so sad. I have suffered 3 miscarriages, with my first I was only 17 and went to my dating scan expecting everything to be fine however my baby’s heartbeat had stopped nearly 4 weeks beforehand, I had to have an operation to remove the baby. My second was 3 months after at 6 weeks, then just 2 mon the after I found out I was pregnant again and 8 months later my beautiful rainbow baby was born, she my son was 9 months old I found out I was pregnant but lost it a few days later, I love all 3 of my angel babies dearly, and i think to myself without them miscarriages I wouldn’t have my son, it makes it that little bit easier. Thankyou for sharing your story xx

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