June the 17th….

“Time is a great healer”

I can’t work out how true this quote is.

6 years ago today, on the 17th of June 2009, I lost one of the most important people in my life. My grandmother.

After a few persistent chest infections, she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.      An honest woman, she openly admitted she wasn’t ready to die, she knew she was going to, but it wasn’t fair.

While I was busy planning my upcoming wedding for the August, she knew she wouldn’t be there for that. I tried my dress on at her house before we knew about the cancer, and she told me how beautiful it was – we didn’t know she wouldn’t see me in it on the day at that point.

In May 2009 I found out I was pregnant. Carrying my first child should’ve been an exciting happy time, but it was bittersweet knowing my unborn child wouldn’t know his amazing Nanna, and in turn she wouldn’t know him. I could’ve kept it a secret, but I needed her to know. I went to her house and told her I was having a baby, she put her hand on my stomach, smiled and said “that’s good”. I can’t imagine how she felt knowing she wouldn’t meet him.

She died when I was 8 weeks pregnant. 5 weeks later I married a man she massively approved of (and openly flirted with at Sunday dinner to make us laugh). The day before, I went to the reception hall to decorate it. As we walked in, a beautiful white butterfly flew in front of me blocking my path. That’s all I needed to get me through a day she should’ve been present for-because I knew she was!

My children call her Nanna and talk about the angel in the sky. They know her and will forever remember her, through me.  And I know she’s watching them too.

Time is not a great healer, but it does help you accept what has happened, and decide how you’re going to deal with it.

I deal with it with memories and words. Just how she’d like it.

Xx

june

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