Thoughts For Today

  

Ok, so this just may end up as a blog of the ramblings of my own mind, but it’s in overdrive today, and a counsellor one told me to write it down-so I’m doing so (albeit a tad publicly).

  • Number 1 on the agenda today; 

Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on something?

I don’t mean something massive, like having another baby, or other massive life events.  But sometimes I just feel like I’m not whole. I have my children, I LOVE being a stay at home mum and watching them grow, change and learn.  I love my home, my husband, all of most of my family, and day by day the anxiety issues and depression I struggled with so much last year seem a little bit further away, and I feel like I used to again, a little bit more.

I just feel like I have something else to give, like my mind/body needs busying in some way.  I hate exercise, so I know it’s not something as simple as going for a run that’s going to fill the gap.  As previously mentioned, the house, the husband and the amount of children is all fine, so no need for change there either. 

Honestly, how am supposed to expect anyone else to know what’s missing and help, if I don’t know myself!  Today though, the void is more felt than it has been, and it’s starting to wind me up more than anything!

Hopefully, I’ll figure it out soon!

  • Number 2;

Do you ever feel like the most two faced mum in the world?

I have taken a look at my day today, and to be honest it’s pretty similar to most days with my two children.  One minute I’m cooing over how adorable my daughter is, the next I’m ready to pop with anger at something she’s done a million times before, but only now have I let it get to me.  Another time I’m in awe of how clever my son is, the next I’m snapping at him because something he’s done is picking away at me.

Both of my children are pretty much exactly the same.  They look the same, act the same, speak the same, (even sleep the same). But none of these things happen at the same time.  I never have two good children, or two bad, both tag team each other to get the maximum amount of steam coming out of my ears!

So why is it, I find myself sitting at night thinking of how I behaved rather than how they did.

Did I shout too much? Are they laying in bed now thinking of how mean Mummy was today? Will my boy go to school and tell his teacher or friends how mummy is always angry?  Because sometimes, that’s how I feel, even thought deep down it isn’t true-I’m definitely happy more than I am cross-but at the end of the day, when the little devils angels are sound asleep, it’s me left with the thoughts and worries of the day. It’s me wondering what would’ve happened if they’d turned round when I was sticking my fingers up at them behind their backs (we all do it-or will do at some point, don’t deny it), and it’s me constantly at war with myself over whether I’m doing it properly, adequately, fairly and, well, perfectly!

Is there such a thing as a perfect parent? I doubt it, but if there is I’d love to meet one, lock them up  and ask them the secret to amazing parenting!
The human mind is so ridiculously complex sometimes, it’s amazing how any of us get anything done when our brains are so full of questions, confusion, and emotion.

Fingers crossed, answers are not far away. 

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