I think a lot. I talk a lot. And although I’ve gone to write about this subject so many times I delete it and start again another time.
I’m unsure the reason I’ve decided to write it today. I’ve had a bad week, as I know other people close to me have, and I feel like I’ve come across it more this week and realised how some people interpret it different to others.
My main issue with anxiety is other people’s attitudes towards it. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been asked things like, “why can’t you just forget about it”, “why are you worrying about something that might not even happen”, “you can’t prepare for everything-just let it happen”.
My favourite of the ridiculous things people say is “think of all the good things you have in your life instead of focusing on the negative!”
Those good things people bring up are what get me up and out of bed each day. They’re what stop me breaking down at anything, losing the plot at little things or panicking about things I’m worried about. There are days however, where those good things aren’t enough to lift the horrible dark cloud that threatens to rule my life.
My anxiety began a year after I had my first child, my son. I fell pregnant (unplanned but not unwanted) and we began planning our double pushchair for our new baby and toddler, how we were going to have them share a room, names for a boy, names for a girl etc.
Shortly after these plans began, during a routine trip from one room to the washing machine with a bundle of washing in my arms, I felt a pop. The following 24 hours were the most devestating hours I’ve ever been through. We had lost our baby. Any plans we’d discussed we never spoke about again. What we did agree was that we wanted another baby.
The following two times we fell pregnant, we lost those baby’s too. I was forever anxious about trying to get pregnant and worrying I was going to lose another baby when I did fall. I never got help for this, I never knew I was suffering with anything aside from the want and need to have another child.
Tests began to see why I’d had 3 recurrent miscarriages, and while waiting for the first test results we fell pregnant again. 9 months of sickness, hip issues and more anxiety, and we finally got our 2nd baby, our daughter.
She’s coming up for 2 years old, and at the beginning of this year I finally decided something was wrong and I needed help for my babies and husbands sake as well as mine! I saw a counsellor and was diagnosed with mild depression, mild social anxiety and severe anxiety disorder. I got help and up until about a month ago I had a very small amount of episodes, relating to any of the disorders.
Slowly, over the last month, the social anxiety has crept back in. I’ve had issues with other mums at the school my son goes to, and even though they don’t know about my issues, they probably wouldn’t care to stop anyway. I began taking the littlest kidlet to toddler group, which lasted a week, and I haven’t been back.
The depression came back a couple of weeks ago. Maybe before but I have noticed I’m not myself more these last couple of weeks. The anxiety is alive and kicking, thanks to a poorly son, his last week of reception class, and the knowledge next weekend I’m leaving him and his sister for 2 days while I go to London with the husband for our anniversary.
Again, it’s time for me to suck it up and re-refer myself back to the councillors. It might take some time but I did it before, and beat it for a bit, and I’ll do it again. What doesn’t help is “helpful” comments from ignorant people who think they know best with their various “cures”, “treatments” and “advice”.
Those with anxiety do not need advice, we know what we have to do for ourselves and others around us, we will do it eventually. For now however, we need support, someone to listen-humour us almost.
We get up every day, and face the world when we feel the world is against us, so this doesn’t make us victims, it makes us winners. We’re winning a battle every day with something we cannot stop, that’s trying to stop us. Sometimes we just need a little help.
If you or anyone else thinks they may have anxiety please visit the NHS Anxiety page and see your GP.