Enough

 

Today, I’ve had enough of being me.

It was bound to come I suppose, given the week of stress I’ve been through.  Last week, being harassed by people claiming to be “adults”, making the thing I pride myself on the most-putting my children first-almost impossible to do.

Then Monday, to have such a horrific health scare with my son, ending up in hospital with suspected meningitis, I’m honestly emotionally battered.

Yesterday, we stayed in our pyjamas, not bothering to see anyone, getting much needed rest after the drama the day before.  I felt nothing major, just tired really-physically really tired.

Today however, I’m nothing but emotionally damaged.  My anxiety is through the roof, I can’t stop imagining what could have happened, what might still happen, what I would do if something else happened etc.  I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment, I can’t speak to anyone, read anything without feeling upset

.

I received an email this morning, not related to anything that’s happened in the last week, but basically telling me how valued I am and how important what I do is, and I couldn’t take anything good from it, I just continued to be emotional and down.

I know exactly what I need to do, I need to go to the doctor, and once again, get him to refer me to a counsellor.  What I don’t need however, is to wait 8 weeks to speak to someone, running the risk of not being able to be ok until then, or, another possibility, is not working through these thoughts and feelings, but coming out of the other side by myself, where the issues lay dormant, making the next time I feel down even worse.

Really I have just had enough of being me-I’m bored of the lack of enthusiasm I feel to do things, the force it takes to do normal everyday things, the regret that I can’t find the motivation to do what I want, the worry I’m damaging my kids, making them like me, damaged and miserable.

I just want to feel ok again.

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