Impossible 


Why don’t you like me?
Is this a question I should be asking at 29 years old?

Shouldn’t I have all the friends I need and no issues with people at my age?!
I spent my whole childhood being bullied. Being told what was wrong with me, how ugly I was, how badly I dressed, how bad my hair was. When I left school, I assumed I would be free to start a new me, a me who is accepted, liked and wanted.


It would appear, however, things are not that simple.


Instead of starting a new better me, I’m a new worse me.

I HATE myself. Genuinely, I cannot bear who I am now. 

I am more disliked by people than liked. I don’t know why. (I’d have a bloody good guess though!)

I change my hair, my make up, my clothes to attempt to fit in and look better. It doesn’t work. 

I have massive insecurities and issues that I can’t change, and instead of people just taking me for my personality and who I am, I have those things held against me.
I drag myself to places where I know there’ll be people who I know have had negative conversations about me, but because I don’t know how to change people’s ideas of me, I just go along, knowing what they think, which ends up serving to bring my mood even lower.

Do you know what makes these situations harder?

The fact that none of you know me.



Just in case you were reading this thinking you do know me, even my closest friends have very little idea of what I think or how I feel most of the time. 
Maybe you presume to know me because you’ve seen me twice a day for 20 minutes? Or because I see you once a year for special occasions? Maybe because I’m friends with someone you’re friends with, and you think because they bitch about me to you sometimes, that gives YOU the reason to dislike me by association?

Is it because I update my Facebook a lot, do you think you know me from that?

Or maybe it’s plainly because you’ve heard stuff about me, that you don’t care to be true or false, just that its detrimental to the idea of me, and therefore you MUST dislike me immensely.

I’ve been told so many times;

“Don’t worry about what others think of you.”

“Rise above it.”

“It says a lot more about them than it does you.”

I do worry. Day in day out. It consumes me. 

I can’t rise above it. I try. But I can’t. 

What does it say about them? To me it screams that they’ve made their minds up.  That I failed.
I’d love to end this blog with an inspiring message of “I won’t let you win”, or “I am who i am”. 
But I can’t. I just can’t. 

On days weeks when the dislike has been so constant and powerful, when the thoughts about others perceptions are so consuming and debilitating, I just can’t. 

X


2 thoughts on “Impossible 

  1. Sending you big hugs Jembug, I can relate to this in many ways and I know no words can change your self perception of yourself but I think you are wonderful 🙂 xx

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