**Disclaimer before I begin-I haven’t been bullied everyday for 23 years-the title of this blog refers to not only the regular bullying, but to the damage bullies leave behind-every day of my life.**
To the school kids at my first school-who started bullying me when I was only 7;
Did you even understand what you were doing at that age? Did you even comprehend the damage you could do to a fellow classmate?
I often wonder if you did-because, my son is now 7, and I cannot imagine him being a bully. What was wrong with you at that age, that you knew how to make someone feel so bad, and feel happy with yourselves about it?
To the dinner lady-who watched me be physically attacked;
Why didn’t you help me? Why didn’t you stop them? I remember your face, the smirk when I fell on my face. I remember how you dragged me by my arm, telling me to stop crying, and that I was fine. I remember going to the toilet with you, and you wetting a paper towel to put to my face.
Then I remember you leaving me, with my best friend, and I saw my damaged face in the mirror, the cuts and grazes, the taste of gravel in my mouth, and how I felt so alone.
To the “heavy” girl at my secondary school;
I didn’t react when you came over to me and my friends while we were hiding at the back of the mobile classrooms at lunchtime. I didn’t react when you tried to wind me up. I didn’t even react when you first stood, with your full weight on my legs-but after a while the pain got so bad for my tiny frame, I asked you to get off. You did, but you laughed and I laughed too-trying to get you stop by making you think I found it funny.
To the girl who told me after years of friendship, that she was only friends with me to make her look good;
Do you even understand how much those words affected me? We’d been friends for so long-I’d stuck with you even when you joined in with the bullies, coming back to our friendship so often. Did you mean that? Do you really think that about me?
To the girl who hit me in secondary school;
Well done, you confirmed to me how horrible people could be. I passed a teacher on the way home, while I was with my Sister, crying about what she’d seen you do to me. The teacher asked if everything was OK, and I made my Sister say it was-I never told anyone. I had come to the conclusion, after so many years of verbal attacks, and now this physical one, that I was alone.
To the girl who stopped me wanting to take my children to playgroups;
I knew you were going to be like that. I could feel it from the day I met you. I tried to get on your good side, but I just knew you’d push me out gradually. I’d met girls like you before.
You left me with hardly anyone, and you were spiteful, nasty and vile..
To the school run Mum who made it her mission to break me down;
You made me into the person I am today. Don’t take that as a good thing. Because who I am today is a shadow of who I used to be.
You succeeded-you broke me down.
To the school run Mums who watched;
When did what was happening to a fellow Mum, trying to take her child in and out of school, become acceptable-regardless of whether you had issues with her or not.
When did you think about the possible issues I already had that were being made worse.
When did you go home, and wonder how bad it had felt for me? How, at one point, I was so broken, I told my husband that I’d rather not be here anymore.
Did you think of any of this, while you stood by and watched?
To all of you;
I’ve read that those who bully have serious issues themselves. They bully because they’re jealous, or because they have things they dislike about themselves.
Is that true of you?
What does it make me, when I find myself seeing these people-those who have made my life miserable-that I look for their flaws, in order to verify the above statement?
Are you all happy now? Are you pleased with yourselves? Will you be pleased when your children come home with tales of how they’ve bullied someone?
I suppose, when all is said and done, you’ve done me a favour. Being a victim means you have experience, and you can help others through their experiences.
So don’t worry, I won’t ever forget you, you’ll be in my thoughts, always-when I’m talking about you, in order to show others they’re not alone.
For that, we Thank You.
Previous blogs HERE.