Why were you needed up there?
I worried so much that you’d be alone and you’d need me. Your two siblings joined you and you weren’t alone anymore.
I wondered what you three would’ve looked like down here. Of course there wouldn’t have been three of you down here would there. There was only ever going to be one more. And only one joined us.
I wish I could tell your brother and sister about you. But what would I say?
How I beat myself up every day that I’m still grieving for you. But grieving for you means I’m not thinking of Olivia. Because if you were here I wouldn’t have her would I. So does that mean I have to choose? Choose being happy you’re not here because she is?
She was all we’d wished for and more. She was our rainbow after our stormy horrible days and our sleepless sad nights.
I still worry she’ll be taken from me too. Like you were. Who do I blame for that? What do I blame for that?
The PTSD-that I got after losing you? Do I blame the drs for not helping me to grieve and deal with the trauma properly? Or do I blame myself-the one person who should’ve kept you safe-who had a responsibility to keep you safe. And failed.
How easy it is for everyone else to forget you. To not remember I was having you. To oversee the events that shaped me into who I am now-to not consider why I am like I am because of you three.
Why don’t they remember you like I do?
I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know if you heard me, begging you not to leave me. Trying so hard to keep you in. I don’t know why I couldn’t keep you in.
I’ll never know anything-never have any answers as to why what happened, happened.
And that’s probably the worst thing.