Another New Chapter

 

Tomorrow, little miss starts Nursery.  At the grand old age of 3 years 3 months old, she (in her words) is apparently now a grown up-enough of one, that she can go to Nursery two and a half days a week, without me.

I however, have very different ideas……

I’m known for being quite protective and close to my children, my Son, is quite the Mummy’s boy, and my Daughter is very attached to me.  And, in all honesty, I rely on them and live my life for them (possibly a tad too much).

Around a year ago, I went to do a Health and Safety course.  Within the building was a nursery, so my daughter, then 2, was offered a creche place.  

I built myself right up just to go to the course-suffering from social anxiety makes things like that very difficult to actually do, but, I sucked it up and did it.
Over the course of the first half an hour, I was called back to the creche every five minutes, where my daughter, who’d gone in and left me absolutely fine at the beginning, was crying to the point she was heaving.
I, after all I’d put myself through to get there, had to leave without completing the course.  I was so angry with her!  How dare she interrupt something wanted to do!

I called my husband, and messaged my mother-in-law.  I then cried the entire way home-great big heaving sobs, not caring who saw me.  
I didn’t stay angry at my daughter forever, I came to realise she was just too little to leave me, and she didn’t even understand what was going on.

This event though, has quite possibly scarred me for life it would seem.

Now, a year older, she’s more aware of why she needs to go to nursery, more understanding of where I’ll be, and what she’ll be doing-so I should feel like time has moved on enough for her to be able to go tomorrow.
I haven’t.

To me, she’s still too small.  To me, she’s still my baby girl-my other half during the day when her older brother is at school and her Daddy is at work.
And I hear you, asking me why I’m like this with her when I wasn’t with her brother when he went to Nursery for the first time-but I’ve thought about that long and hard too.

When he went, I was cooking her-I had her to fill my days, even before she came along!
I still had 3 years of a little mate at home with me, taking up my time and giving me a purpose.
Now however, there’s no one.  I’ll be all on my own.
How selfish of me!  Why am I only thinking of me!  It’s going to be just as odd for her older brother, when I come to get him from school two days a week without her.  It’s going to be weird for him tomorrow, when he waves his baby sister off, when he doesn’t have school to go to.
It’s going to be weird for my husband, on days where I have plans, for him to be home alone.
But it just seems harder for me.

I’m trying so hard to focus on just doing it, just getting her there and hoping she goes in OK-I can’t see into the future, so assuming she’s going to react as she did before is pointless and stupid…….and unfortunately something I continue to do on a regular basis,  for most upcoming events.

Tomorrow, begins a new chapter in all of our lives.  And yes I’m petrified.

 

Sometimes, though, love means letting go, even when you want to hold on just a little tighter.

4 thoughts on “Another New Chapter

  1. I felt your pain and anguish, I was The same when my son started nursery and like Olivia it was always me and him until my daughter came home from school but I think like you the realisation comes that they need some interaction with other children there own age and despite my tears flowing when I left him seeing his smiling face and delight at seeing me at collection time made it worth it! It also meant that I could be me for a few hours not just mummy or wife , I would spend my time on me and sometimes as mummy’s we forget about us! Enjoy the time you have , spend it with friends / family be a lady that lunches lol .
    I’m sure Olivia will really enjoy it and will fill you in when you collect her about all the fun she had and new friends she has made x
    Don’t be afraid to cry it’s a huge emotional step as a parent xx

    1. It is a massive step and I know most of my feelings are normal.

      Thankfully miss Olivia rocked nursery today as only she could. They told me she had no issues whatsoever and it’s like she’s always been there.
      She was full of beans telling us all about it when we collected her, and is not a happy pickle that she has to wait until Friday to go back lol!

      I didn’t cry, I swallowed it away, but I’m drained and feel like rubbish now after the anxiety and adrenaline has all gone away.

      X

      1. That’s fantastic that she enjoyed it so much and I’m so pleased 😁 xx
        But for you I can imagine emotionally you are done it’s scary when the anxiety kicks in and the emotional turmoil of the situation hits you – I’ve felt like when something big has happened and it’s done I could sleep for a week just to get over it and feel some type of normal xx

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