Today is day 12 of Blogtober 2017, and definitely one of the easier themes to write about-Love.
I have a lot of loves in my life, not all of them people-some of them things-some of them material, some of them not.
All of them, however, give me the strength and positivity I need to get through even the toughest days. Continue reading “#Blogtober ~ Day 12 ~ Love”
That’s probably not the way to start a blog but to be honest, I can’t think of another way-I’ve been waiting to find a time when I can speak about what I went through.
And now words seem to fail me. Continue reading “My 5 “
MAYFLOWER BLOGS TURNED 1 TODAY!!!
1 whole year, of blogs, reviews, comments, shares, editing, learning, vlogging and everything in between!
I genuinely never assumed I’d get to this point-I worried at the beginning that I’d not be very good at this writing lark, and maybe my unorganised mind would mean I wouldn’t cope. Continue reading “Mayflower Blogs is 1 today! A little round-up and celebratory giveaway!”
Today is day 4 of Blogtober 2017! The theme today is Date!
I deliberated over and over about which kind of date I was going to write about-the word is super vague when you think about it. I had pretty much decided on writing about the dating scene-how it was when I was in it, and how it would be now…..
….In the end however, I decided to write about important dates to me-dates of things I treasure the most-because those are more important than the other kind! Continue reading “#Blogtober17 ~ Day 4 ~ Date”
Welcome to Day 2 of Blogtober 2017! Today’s theme is ‘Babies’!
As some of you may know, I have two children, but have been pregnant five times. I’ve carried five babies, regardless of how long, inside my tum.
I genuinely do think of myself as a Mumma of 2 children, but also of three angels-here’s a blog post explaining more-My 5.
Losing babies is something I don’t think I’ll ever get over-or forget-but having gone through something so horrific really does mean you have to make a decision to ignore what has happened, or face it head on. Continue reading “#Blogtober17 ~ Day 2 ~ Babies”
Today we celebrate our 12th anniversary. 12 years of memories-the best days and the worst days. I can’t list 12 years worth of memories-so here are just some…….
On the 28th of March 2005, an 18 year old me, and a 19 year old you met in our local town. We’d known each other (on and off) since we were 7
Within a few months (6 to be exact), we were on our first holiday together.
The 6th of October 2005 you asked me to be your wife. We didn’t even live together but I knew I wanted to marry you.
At the end of March 2006 we moved in together. Our first flat and we loved it.
5th June 2009. Our world changed. I was pregnant. Unplanned but so wanted we realised we really wanted to be parents.
17th June 2009. You supported me during one of the toughest times. Nanny dying, while I was pregnant and planning our wedding was tough. But you stayed strong for me.
1st August 2009. The day i became your wife.
One of the best days of my life-becoming one with you.
7th February 2010. Our son was born. Kye George Peter Willson, bundled into our lives and turned them upside down. Another of my favourite days-watching you become a Daddy was one of the best things I’ve ever seen.
28th September 2011. Our family was growing. Another baby on the way. Our hearts were fuller then they’ve ever been. Plans for our new arrival were underway.
26th October 2011. Our new baby was gone. 8 weeks 3 days. No heartbeat. No baby.
Once again you were so strong. You kept me going when my world had crumbled.
1st September 2012. We tried for so long to have another baby after we lost our angel. We fell pregnant again. But just days later we lost another angel. I was distraught. You were strong once more.
7th November 2012. Another lost baby. I was done. Numb. No more babies for us. You said we’d see what happened. I was done.
27th January 2013. Emergency appointment at the early pregnancy unit. A scan showed a beating heart. Another chance-our 5th pregnancy.
27th September 2013. Olivia-May Barbara Willson-our rainbow after so many storms. Our family was complete and so was my heart.
Following Olivia’s 1st birthday-I realised something was wrong. I wasn’t feeling myself and I wanted it sorted.
Since my first visit to the doctor regarding how I felt, up until today, I’ve had counselling, and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression all caused by my miscarriages.
You give me the support I so often need, so much that I often worry you’re too strong too often.
Since being diagnosed with those mental illnesses, I’ve bought my website. I now write anything I fancy, any time.
You often tell me how clever I am. How good my writing is. You don’t realise how much those words mean to me.
I now go to blogger events, often having a meltdown before every single one, and have regular anxiety and panic attacks. But you always have hope and faith in me. You tell me I can do it. You tell me I’ll be fine. You’re always right but you know I’ll not remember the next time I’m facing that battle-so you tell me again and again each time.
You work so hard for our family. I know it’s not easy. I’m so proud you’re so hard working and a perfect role model for our children.
12 years have passed and we’re not the same people we once were. So much has changed. We’ve changed. But we’re still us. We’re still one. We’re still together.
I am grateful for you, I am thankful to fate for bringing us together. And I love you today, and every day.
Happy Anniversary Baby xxx
With Mothers Day fast approaching, those with children, throw themselves into celebrating-seldom giving thought to those who aren’t celebrating as they should be able to.
With 1 in 4 women losing a baby during pregnancy or birth, that’s 1 in 4 women, not celebrating being a Mum on a day that should be theirs.
Then there are those women who’ve had babies before their losses, in between their losses, or after their losses. Those that are told to be happy that they have children-to be grateful they’ve already got their babies. Those that are questioned on how they can still dwell on their losses, when they went on to carry their children to term.
This Mothers Day-we all might spare a thought for those struggling through the day-regardless of circumstance.
Every Mothers Day, since I’ve had my children, I receive a card and some gifts from my Son and Daughter.
Something that I don’t mention, is the slight tainted feeling surrounding not just Mothers Day, but most celebrations that my children take part in.
In complete honesty, I long for the cards and gifts I’ll never get given, from the children I’ll never meet.
I know what people would think/say; how can I long for things from three little blobs on a screen. Three little “things” that never grew, were never held, never nursed, never seen.
My answer will always be; because those three “things” were always loved, always wanted, always mine.
Yes I have two children-but I’m a Mum of five. I carried five babies-regardless of how long for, or the outcome. I have two babies celebrating Mothers Day with me here on Earth, but three angels I wish I could celebrate with too.
I understand that it doesn’t make sense to some. I understand people’s assumptions that I should be happy with the two I have.
Most of me is happy-I focus on my two little ones, and the joy I feel when they burst in excitedly, with shouts of HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MUMMY!!!
But the day-to-day grief that has filled my life since we lost our three little ones, is hard enough, without it being amplified during celebrations such as Mothers Day.
Everything is tainted-it has been from the day we lost our first angel.
Everyday is a challenge-it always has been.
But everyday is filled with love-love for my children, my husband, my family and of course, love and constant recognition of my angels.
I’m content in my world, and will continue celebrating another Mothers Day as a Mum of five.
For more information on the work Tommy’s do-head over to their website https://www.tommys.org/.
Yesterday I received an email from a fellow blogger, asking me to run her story of her feelings following her second miscarriage.
Right now, she’s unable to blog her feelings herself, not wanting her family to know her current situation. Some may find this unusual. but in actual fact its really normal to want to keep that anonymity, especially when the initial news of an impending pregnancy wasn’t announced.
Here’s her story;
More and more I am wondering “What If?”
What if things had been different?
What if I had carried my baby to term?
Today would have seen me reaching the 36th week of my pregnancy.
And, as my due date draws ever nearer, I am filled with the pain and emotions of my loss.
I am constantly wondering why.
Why did it have to be this way?
I didn’t want any more children.
My family was already complete.
We were happy the way we were.
But even though it wasn’t planned, the news of my pregnancy filled me with SO much joy.
And also fear.
How would we cope?
How would my family and friends react?
I already have a large family, and the response from others was likely to be one of disappointment and a chorus of “You’re pregnant? AGAIN??”
The fear was crippling.
The idea of having another baby, starting again when my other children were all about to be in full time education, the sleepless nights, etc.
But then there was the love.
The very idea of this beautiful little baby, completely innocent and pure.
Growing inside of me.
Just waiting to be born, and loved, and cherished.
Today I would have been 36 weeks pregnant.
But I am not.
Instead, at 11 weeks gestation, my baby died.
No longer growing.
No longer mine.
And all that was left…. IS left…. is pain.
Guilt for being afraid of other people’s reactions.
Guilt for not rejoicing in our news and sharing it sooner.
It would have been hard, but it would also have been perfect.
We would have adjusted.
We would be getting ready to welcome our baby and celebrate the life he or she had ahead of them.
Instead, we never had the chance to share our news.
And so I suffer alone.
This is my second loss.
But, for reasons unknown, it has affected me a lot more than my first.
Perhaps it is because the news was only our own.
Our baby had not been shared with anyone else.
The next few weeks are going to be incredibly difficult.
The tears keep on falling.
And the pain will always be there.