#Blogtober17 ~ Day 10 ~ Joke

Today is day 10 of Blogtober 2017, and the theme today is ‘Joke’.

 

As a blogger, regardless of how I describe what I do, and how I spend my time, I still end up being treated as a joke.

I know, I know, you didn’t expect to come over to today’s Blogtober post and read this did you!

But it’s true-I genuinely am treated and thought of as a joke. Continue reading “#Blogtober17 ~ Day 10 ~ Joke”

Anxiety-Acceptance Over A Cure

Over the last few months, slowly my Mental Health issues have improved.
Let’s not get confused-I’m not cured-far from it!  What I have done, is gradually accept the person I now am.

For so long, I fought so hard-against what my brain was telling me, against how I felt.  I hated the person I was, I hated who the Anxiety had made me.

I blamed myself, and my issues, for everything.  The reason the housework wasn’t done.  The reason I hadn’t seen anyone outside of my house for weeks.  The reason people weren’t wanting to be around me anymore.  I was having “down days“, “dark days“, “bad Anxiety days“.  Everything I did, every thing I had become, was blamed on Anxiety.

Anxiety was to blame.  And PTSD was to blame for that.  Losing three babies and having no Mental Health aftercare was to blame for that.  The list of things to blame for this one Mental Health issue, goes on and on-I’m a psychiatrists field day!

I can’t explain what changed, or when it changed.  I can only tell you what I have come to realise now.

As a blogger, the realisation that I’m actually good at something-something I truly love doing, and get complimented on often, has helped massively.  I know I can write-and as an outlet for everything going through my silly old brain, regardless of whether it makes it to the website or not, really aids my recovery from those “dark days“.

6 months ago, I wouldn’t have left the house without having some form of Anxiety attack.  Now I’m attending press nights in a busy theatre, filled with people.  I talk to strangers, and I write my reviews, knowing others will read them.
Yes I’m still anxious about any negativity that may come from my writing, or worried a stranger that I speak to may not like me-but it doesn’t stop me anymore.

6 months ago, I couldn’t have imagined travelling to London alone, or anywhere really.  Yet, I’ve now lost count of the amount of times I’ve made it to the big city, remarking on how stupid I felt about the Anxiety attack I’d had earlier in the day.  It’s not stupid-it’s normal for me.  But actually, every time that has happened, a little bit of strength has found its way back to me-giving anxiety a tiny kick and saying “we did it, we beat you”.

6 months ago, I wouldn’t dare send an email pitching my blog to companies, to ask them to work with me, for fear of a nasty reply, (or no reply), and that horrible feeling of rejection I was always so worried of getting.
Now, I pitch most days, and yes, people are rude, and yes, people are ignorant, but surrounding those who are ignorant and rude, there are a handful of people, complimenting my work, saying yes straight away, based on my website and blogs, and giving me opportunities I wouldn’t have got without pitching.

2 months ago, I wouldn’t have dared to do anything in my local area that would shine a light on me.  Knowing people are so close, and may judge me to my face, would’ve prevented me even writing about my local area anonymously.  Yet here I am, writing for my local news website, thankful for another opportunity someone gave me that enables me to do even more of what I love.

There was a time, when I didn’t recognise who I was.  When people seemed to be friends with me to make their lives look better.  When misery loved company-and I was that company.

There were times, when I’d spend days crying, wishing I was someone else.  Wondering where everything had gone so wrong.

Now, there are times, when I’m thankful for those who left when they did-to those who showed me, being around them was hindering my growth as a person.

Now there are times, when I don’t cry for weeks, and actually, I wonder why I ever let Anxiety take over my life so much.

As I said previously-I’m in no way cured.  I’m just learning to accept what has happened to me-to accept who I now am, and roll with it, rather than fight it.  Those “dark days” will still come.  Those “down days” will still take over.  Just not as often, and not as brutally as they first did.

I know it’s not easy, but if you’re feeling the way I did, the way I still do sometimes, accept it, grow from it.

Write that pitch, send that letter, make that phone call, dump those that don’t accept you-that can’t be there for you, find your happy and roll with it……

Accepting
Me in London on my own, after an anxiety attack on the train, giving Anxiety a kick, and treating myself to a walk up Primrose Hill.

X

Down With Gender Roles-It’s 2017 For Goodness Sake!

 

The other night I had a conversation with my friend-she was telling me how a neighbour from her building came and kindly offered the use of her washing line, now that the weather is better, so my friend didn’t have to use her tumble dryer as much.

Unfortunately during the conversation with my friends husband, she inadvertently asked him to tell his wife that when she did her washing to feel free to use it.

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Being an elderly lady, we did suggest that in the era she is from, it would be the female that did the washing and therefore it just happened to be how she worded it.

As the conversation continued however, I explained how, in the last month I’ve really struggled to juggle all my “jobs”.

I’m not ashamed to say I haven’t worked since before I had Kye.
What with having him, then losing our three babies, then falling pregnant with Olivia – there just wasn’t a time that felt appropriate for me to work.

Now however, as you know from reading my blogs-I’m a little busier than I once was.
I write daily-I review frequently for a variety of companies and events.
On top of all of that, I’m primarily a Stay at Home Mum and Wife, which means school and nursery runs, housework, shopping, bill paying, school event attending, and outside of all of that, family events-Birthdays etc to attend and remember.
I’m not ashamed to say, I have been struggling of late.

To do all of the above-and having got it all down to my idea of a fine art-I decide to go and get me a website-a blog, and to make myself ridiculously busy, working for free to build my audience up.

I LOVE my jobs. I make no qualms about any of it-those who know me, know I’m a happy Mummy to my two children, I’m married to my best friend, and I really love writing.

The conversation myself and my friend were having was really about how we’re supposed to juggle all of these things-even when we go and get ourselves a job.
Why are we made to juggle and spread ourselves even more thinly between our jobs, but it doesn’t change for the partner/dad/husband?
Why don’t the jobs get shared equally?
Why doesn’t the overwhelming struggle they see us go through, make them want to help?!

And the only conclusion I can get from it all-like the little old lady from my friends building, is that 2017 hasn’t actually moved as far forward as we’d have liked it to.

Generations are still relying on the female in the family to juggle jobs and home life, while the male is still seen as the bread winner.
(I’d just like to add here-my husband does help to an extent and I know plenty of families where the male does his fair share-and sometimes more. My point is that a large percentage of families aren’t like that.)



It makes me wonder, will I ever see the change I think is needed, in my lifetime?

I hope so-and if not in my lifetime, I pray it happens in my daughters.

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A Blogger,Seriously?

 

During an article writing job on Friday at my son’s school, I was introduced to members of staff as “Kye’s Mum”.

Now, before I begin to get into my issues with this, I would like to clarify that I LOVE  being “Kye’s Mum”

However, as recent events and conversations with friends and family members have seen, I’m starting to realise how I’m not taken as seriously as I’d like to be with regards to my job. Rather than being labelled as “Jemma” (as that’s my actual name), or described as a “blogger”, people instead find it hard to take those job titles seriously.

I find since becoming a “blogger”, myself, and other bloggers, really don’t get the recognition we deserve.

Why is this?!

Is it because we don’t do a 9-5 job?
I don’t see how-when different jobs and shift patterns now mean a large amount of the working population also don’t do 9-5 working days.

Is it because I currently don’t earn a wage?
I kind of understand this-but what about those that volunteer for charities etc? They’re taken seriously-and effectively that’s what I currently do!

On Sunday morning-I spent my time sat at my laptop, typing up three different pieces of work-one for my local news site, one for a baby loss charity, and this one.

Today, after being “Kye’s Mum” and dropping him at school and his sister at nursery, I  came home and typed up another blog before going to a meeting, another two school runs, then heading out to another event at my local theatre.

I work hard, I enjoy what I do (yes-even though I don’t get paid), and I’m really good at what I do.

How many people an say that about their jobs?

Signing off;
Jemma (aka Kye’s Mummy, Olivia’s Mummy, Keiron’s Wife, Housewife extraordinaire, Blogger, Writer, Reviewer, Columnist, (volunteer).

Trunki-Pedro the Pirate Review + Giveaway

I’m so excited to introduce the new member of the Trunki family-Pedro the Pirate!

trunki

We were lucky enough to get hold of Pedro a couple of weeks ago to test and review for you all!

 

Who are Trunki?

Firstly, let me tell you a little about this award winning company.

Since 2006, Trunki have revolutionised the way children travel.  Appearing on Dragons Den, Rob (founder of the Trunki idea), went onto the show to get funding to continue his dream.  Since receiving the backing he needed, Trunki products have grown, not only in the amount sold, but in the variety of products on offer!  Initially just offering the suitcases, they now sell food and drink receptacles, reins, swimming bags, neck pillows, blankets and car accessories!


What is a Trunki?

Trunki’s are basically suitcases with wheels!  That’s where the “basics” end though.  These aren’t just any suitcases on wheels!
Trunki’s are perfect for keeping little ones entertained on long trips.   Usable as hand luggage,  children can pack their belongings into their little companions with the independence they so often seek.
Trunki’s are lightweight, securable with a lock on either side, and each case is tested by Trunki’s dedicated team,

 

Our Trunki

We were sent Pedro a couple of weeks ago, and on initial reveal, my daughter went crazy, asking tons of questions.

Why does it have wheels?
Can I undo the lock?
Then can I lock it again?
Shall we put my clothes in now?

Her face when I told her she could ride on it too, was the icing on the cake.

Olivia-May’s Review

trunkitrunkiAs with any product we’re sent that needs Olivia’s full attention and help, I like to ask her
questions to see how she felt about the item she’d tested.

What was your favourite thing about Pedro?
His wheels!  And his key that locks the sides of him!

trunkitrunkiWhat did you like doing best?
I liked packing, and I liked locking him with the key, and I liked it when you pulled me along!

Anything else?
I liked that he’s got sticky up bits on the top so I don’t fall over when I’m sitting on him!

trunki

Mummy’s Review

trunkitrunkiIt really is pretty awesome.  There’s so much space inside, more than my own hand luggage holds!  The character ‘Pedro’ is cute and the colours the case is decorated in, means Pedro is a pretty unisex suitcase!

Olivia had so much fun packing her things, and riding on it the second we left the house.

The compartments for toothbrushes and cuddly toys are well thought out, and the straps and lockable sides are easy for our little fingered humans to navigate.

trunki

Now you could own one too!

Trunki are very kindly giving away one of these brand new ‘Pedro’ suitcases, to one of my lucky readers!!!

To enter, simply click the competition link below!  I’ll be announcing the winner on my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (and the winner will get a confirmation email), after it ends (19th of March at 11:59pm)!  Good Luck!

 

Trunki Giveaway!

 

Please note I was very kindly sent this product free of charge, in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.  All thoughts and opinions are that of my own.
SuperLucky Blog Giveaway Linky

Being Beaten By Anxiety and Depression-Let’s Talk, Mental Health

 

Do you ever feel like you’re being beaten?  Beaten by something that’s basically “all in your head”?!

This week (and month if I’m honest) has been a really hard one with my anxiety and depression.

Nothing major has happened, but little things have cropped up, and, instead of those things going over my head like they should do, they seem to have affected me more than ever.

I’m suddenly at a stage where I just want rid of it all-the anxiety attacks have changed their symptoms, and I’ve been toying with starting medication-something I never wanted to do.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve changed a lot this last couple of months . I aimed to make 2017 a positive one, attempting to focus on the good things that happen rather than the bad.

I’m doing well, I’m in a much better place than I was this time last year.

I’m more confident, which is a massive thing for me.  I’ll never think I’m anything special (mainly because I’m not), but, I know I’m good at something for once, and compliments I continue to be given remind me of that.

I’m busy! This may seem like a negative to some, but due to my social anxiety, and lack of confidence, making plans and socialising eluded me for a while.
Blogging has taken me places I never thought I’d go, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I have these opportunities-they’re one of the main things that keep me going.

For all the positives I find, the negatives start creeping back in, especially when my mental health is as bad as it has been.
Recent events have shown me how alone I am, and I never thought I’d feel alone!

Of course I have the children-and as I always mention in these sort of blogs, they’re what get me out of bed in the morning.

And I have my husband.  But recently, him working random hours, with seemingly little down time, alongside me going straight out to events some evenings, has left me feeling a little “single”.

I don’t have a Mum, someone I can go and see for advice or a shoulder to cry on (she’s not dead, see HERE for why I don’t have a ‘Mum’).

My Dad lives 20-30 minutes away (dependent on what transport I use), and, although I know he’s on the end of the phone or at the end of that journey to see him, he has his own life too, and I don’t always feel like I can burden him with my stuff.

I don’t have many friends. This has never been much of an issue for me-I prefer a smaller group (less people to get my hopes up they’re going to stick around).   But the ones I do/did have are even starting to dwindle now.

I’m a great believer in “those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind”.  If people don’t want to be in my life anymore that’s fine, but I now can’t help feeling like I’ve gone through life wasting my time on people that aren’t going to last.

Sometimes I just don’t feel like I have anyone.  Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world, and it’s the one thing I currently keep going back to.

I’m just lost sometimes on how to fight these invisible illnesses, and how to shake the feelings that engulf my every day moments.

I keep fighting. I keep going. I keep hoping.
X

Mummy Times Two

A Day In The Life Of A 3 Year Old

 

5:30am. I’m awake-my day can start now yeah?  MUMMYYYYYYY MUMMYYYYY.  Oh god daddy’s coming instead.  He’s not got a clue how to handle me at this time in the morning.  He said mummy is sick so she can’t come in.  NOOOOOO I WANT TO GET UUUUUUP!  Eurgh, he’s closed the door and left me here-I’ll call mummy again.  MUMMYYYYY.  Yay here she comes!  Oh wait she’s sick?!  Now I feel bad.  I’ll go back to sleep for her.

7:30am. I actually feel better for more sleep.  Who knew!  It doesn’t matter though because I’ll forget tonight and do it all again tomorrow anyway.

Right BREAKFAST TIME!

Daddy is asking what I want.  I think I want toast with honey but I might deliberate over my decision for a minute.  Ooh I know what I could have-Weetabix!  We don’t have any, but I could get cross about that then settle for honey on toast anyway!

7:45am. Breakfast was lovely-although it did go really cold really quickly.  I genuinely don’t understand it.  I couldn’t have been talking for more than half hour in-between bites!

Daddy took my plate out, then just as he sat back down I asked for some juice.  I don’t get why he looked so irritated?

8:30am. Is it lunchtime yet?  I asked Daddy and he said we’ve only just had breakfast.  So I asked for a snack.  He said we’d just had breakfast.
I don’t get it-my Brother doesn’t ask when it’s lunchtime or ask for snacks.  Does he never get hungry?!

OOH stickers-I’ll play with those.

8:40am. I’ve stuck the stickers all over the floor and now I’m bored.  I’ll leave them here and I think go and ask Daddy if it’s lunchtime yet…..
Daddy said it’s not lunchtime for another 2 and a half hours. So I cried. Lots.

9:00am. I’m going to go see Mummy.  Daddy said she’s having a lie in because she’s sick but she’ll want to see me.

9:05am. Mummy wasn’t overly talkative this morning.  A limp hand on my back while I’m draped over her isn’t really my idea of a cuddle.  God knows why she wasn’t all excited to see me!

10:00am. Ooooh we’re going for a walk in a little while,  Mummy just told me (she seems to be happy to talk now).  I really want to go, but decided not to let her know that, so instead I cried and said I didn’t want to go.
She told me that it was fine and I could stay home alone.
I dropped the crying really quickly and said I’d like to go-I don’t want to be on my own!

I think instead I’ll just moan while we’re out instead.

10:30am. Mummy’s been trying to get me to come up to the bedroom to get ready.  I’m busy!  This Lego won’t tip itself out and be left in the middle of the floor you know!

10:45am. Mummy said she’d take me out in my pyjamas and I’d get cold, so I’m getting changed.  And when I say I, I mean I.  I’m making her let me do it.  So here goes!

11:15am. I’ve managed both my socks and one leg, half into my trousers.  This getting dressed lark is harder than I had considered! Mummy, Daddy and my Brother are sat waiting for me.  Mummy has offered to help LOADS.  No Mummy-I can do this!!!!

 

11:17am. Mummy got me dressed.  She’s like some kind of ninja and I could see how much she wanted to do it so I let her.
(I did put my own shoes on though-win!).

 

11:25am. I’m in the car.  Only two minutes ago, I was screaming about going into the car seat-and I did a really good impression of a rigid banana!  Now I’m happily singing to the Moana soundtrack.

11:28am. I’ve just heard Mummy and Daddy say something about me being Jekyll and Hyde-not a clue what that is but I reckon it’s something lovely!

12:00am
. We’re finally here. I asked constantly in the car if we were there yet-but for some reason it didn’t speed things up and everyone just seemed irritated.  Mummy gave me and my Brother lunch in the car.  I managed to talk through that too.

12:03am. I’m now walking.  Mummy brought the pushchair “just in case”.  I’ve already told her I won’t need it.  I’m going to walk everywhere!

12:05pm. Arghhhh my legs!  My little sore, tired legs!  I’m going to cry this one out.  I’m NOT going in the pushchair!

12:07pm. I’m in the pushchair.  Don’t judge me!  I was tired!  What baffles me is how Mummy knew I’d need it-i asked her.  She replied “Mummy just knows”.  Well that doesn’t explain anything!

1:00pm. I’ve had fun!  I kept making Mummy stop pushing me to get out then back in the pushchair.  They walked a lot, I didn’t!
Perfect afternoon really!  I’m also SO tired. It must’ve been all that walking!

1:05pm. Mummy said to snooze in the car.  I didn’t even want to get in the car.  I wanted to walk more.  So I cried-LOTS.  I’ll show her, I don’t want to snooze in the car.

2:30pm. What the hell!  I literally just woke up.  I fell asleep in the car and didn’t even wake up when they took me in the house.
I must’ve been really tired.  At least it was my decision to snooze-not Mummy’s.

4:00pm. I’ve had a lovely couple of hours.  All my toys are out.  I’ve barely played with them, just sat amongst them all, watching TV.
I also had a couple of rows with my Brother, and asked 28 times, when dinner is going to be.

4:02pm. Daddy just asked what I’d like for dinner.  I’ve told him I don’t want any dinner.  He said he’ll choose then.

4:30pm. Dinner is ready! It smells so good!  But I am going to assume there’s something in it I don’t like.

4:35pm. My brother is eating his dinner so they’ve probably only put something bad in mine.  I’m not eating it!

5:00pm. I’ve cried. I’m not proud of myself but they actually told me I couldn’t have pudding?! What?! Why?!

5:30pm. Oh wow-dinner and pudding were amazing.  Had to eat without everyone else though, they eat WAY too fast!

6:00pm. I’m so tired again!  What is wrong with me!  I’ve got a sneaky suspicion there WAS something bad in that dinner, and it’s making me sleepy!

6:05pm. I’ve asked Daddy when it’s bedtime.
He’s said soon. That’s not good enough! I’m exhausted! Can he not see how  tired I am?!

6:07am. I’ve cried at him again. I told him how desperate I am to go to bed-he’s still not taken me!

6:30pm. I’ve spent the last 23 minutes doing my absolute best to get Daddy to take me to bed.
He’s just said it’s bedtime.  I’m actually not that tired.  I’ll stay up I think.

6:35pm. Daddy has carried me upstairs-how demeaning!  I just wanted to stay up!!!  I’m not even tired!
I’ll show him!

6:40pm. I didn’t want to brush my teeth-I cried.

6:45pm. Daddy asked me to choose a bedtime book. I’ve managed to drag it out for 10 minutes. I’m not tired!!!!

6:50pm. I’ve got a book.  Daddy said if I took any longer I’d have to go to bed without a bedtime book.  So I’ve got one now.  I’m still not tired though!

6:57pm. The book is finished.  Daddy’s trying to convince me that it’s time for bed now.  What is wrong with him-I’M NOT TIRED!

7:00pm. I kicked the covers off twice but Daddy said he’d just leave me without them on if I didn’t settle down.  So I’m now tucked up.  I’ve told him I’m not tired again and he said that’s fine I can just lay here until I am.  As he tried to leave I remembered I needed all of my night lights on.  And my nose wiped.  And I need another wee.

7:05pm. He’s gone now. I’m going to stay awake-I’m really not tired. I’m really not tired! I’m really not ti…………

day

The Tale of Mummyhood

 

Today I’m Thankful For….. #5

I’ll be honest, today I struggled to find things I’m thankful for.
It’s not been a bad day as such, just a kind of nothing day where nothing much happened. I think I’ve scrambled three together though.

 

My resilient daughter

Seriously, this child.
She was definitely sent to try us, aside from her rather challenging behaviour, she’s  constantly poorly at the moment, and today it would appear she has come down with Hand Foot and Mouth (we think).  Coming up to three weeks in nursery now, she’s only had 3 days where she’s been free from illness, which is tough to watch, but she just gets on with it!  We think she probably started coming down with whatever this is on Friday, after we remembered today hearing her complaining about something hurting, that now has a spot on it.  She has spots on her hands and feet, and a mouthful of ulcers, but not once has she got upset, or fussed about any of these things!  She’s the same child i tell people about all the time, a story about when we viewed our current home; She was 18 months old, toddling around, and, as we viewed the kitchen, she’d climbed to the top of the first flight of stairs, fallen down them, got up at the bottom and run off.  She’s made of some kind of tough-stuff and I’m so thankful she never seems to suffer too much with things.

A Sunday lie-in
I can hear parents everywhere questioning what one of those is.  My kids never let us have one either.  Except for today, when my husband nudged me awake this morning, and whispered “it’s ten to 9!”
I turned over and didn’t even bother opening my eyes to acknowledge it-no sleep is ever enough for me-but just the thought that they’d both slept in, getting the rest their little bodies need after a horrible couple of weeks of being so unwell, made me so happy!
It also gave us the energy to be better parents (not that we’re not bloody marvellous anyway), more patient, happy, motivated parents, meaning we had happier more content children.  Even if this only happened this morning, and they’re both up at 5am tomorrow, we can at least remember it as the “Sunday that was”.

My dad
There’s already a blog about this amazing man, here-My Dad, but I very rarely write much regarding him in general.
At 61 years of age, he’s a massively successful man in his work as a child support worker and family liaison officer, a qualified counsellor, a loving Husband to my equally awesome Step-Mum, an amazing family man, and Grandad to his four Grandchildren.
Sometimes, I find, life just takes over a little. We get ill, then he gets ill, so we sometimes go for long periods of time not seeing each other, even though he’s only half an hour away.  He’s busy, working all week, and, I rarely get a weekend where we’re all free at the same time.  This doesn’t affect his relationship with me in the slightest.  He’s still attentive, caring and loving, and there’s rarely a day where we don’t speak.  His Grandchildren love him as much as anyone else in our family, and he and his Son-in-law (my Husband)  have an amazing bond too, which is all I can ask for really.

Recently, in events beyond my control, he’s been put through the mill a bit.  I worry constantly he’s not OK handling all the stress (even though he tells me he’s fine), and I get so angry with people taking advantage of his good nature.

He never loses it, he never gets angry or takes it out on me or anyone else, he’s always the same Dad to me he has been my whole life.
He’s proud of me and the things I’m doing and achieving.  He’s supportive of my decisions, and advises me when I need him to.  He listens to me while I rant for half an hour about something bugging me, then gives me the bang on the head I need to continue being strong.  His support knows no bounds, and I don’t think he realises just how much he is loved and respected, not just by me but by so many people.

I’m thankful because he’s my Dad.  And I’ll thank whoever or whatever gave me him for the rest of our lives.

 

 

So that’s all for today’s ‘thankful for’ post!  Don’t forget you can join in to!
You can go onto my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram or comment at the bottom of this post to join in thinking of something you’re thankful for.  Don’t forget to use the hashtag #MFBthanful so I can find you easily too!

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Xx MFB  xX

Today I’m Thankful For….#3

Good evening!

I’m not going to lie, today was probably the hardest so far to find things I’m thankful for….it’s been a pretty ploddyploppy (Vicar of Dibley word right there) sort of day, which started off stressful, and ended with rubbish news and a hormonal me didn’t help.

Still, we don’t use these to dwell on the crap, so here are the things I’m thankful for today.

 

FRIDAY!
Yayyyyy it’s Friday people!  What could you be more thankful for, than Friday!  Both my little people are home, I have a whole weekend of snuggles if I see fit, and no horrid school runs to do!

 

Illnesses
This may seem like an odd one to have to be thankful for, but it’s more about the timing of the illnesses I’m thankful for.
Next weekend is the hubs birthday, and, although he hasn’t been ill before this week in over a year, he got it bad this time.  He’s on the mend after being down for the best part of this week, which means he’ll hopefully be OK for his birthday.
The same goes for all of us really, we’ve all had it.  It’s Kyes birthday in two weeks too, and although he usually ends up throwing up when we have major plans, there’s nothing planned that can’t be shifted about, and he’s already had the worst of the cold, so thank goodness for timing!

 

Olivia
Yeahhhh there’s my girl.
Now, this was a tricky one to add as something (or someone in this case) I’m thankful for, because if you’d asked me why my day was so bad and to think of the negatives, I’d have her as my first issue there.  It’s all nursery related, and, although she’s being added to the thankful list, she doesn’t get away that lightly, and there’ll be a separate post about her in the very near future!
Today though, I’m thankful for her tenacity, her resilience, and her general attitude once at nursery.  The constant praise and adoration her nursery teachers have for her makes everything else seem like a drop in the ocean, and as long as that continues, I’ll have no worries.

 

Kye
Of course I couldn’t have one without the other, and thankfully he put himself on here by his actions today.
Kye, for a long time, has flourished at school in all lessons, but mainly in maths and reading/writing.  His behaviour is impeccable and at every parents consultation, or every meeting with his teachers, they never have a bad word to say about him.  The issue usually is, he doesn’t get the recognition for his consistently good behaviour.
Today though, he did. He read to his teacher, and although she knows he’s at the top level, and always has been, she still wrote complimentary things in his reading log, and gave him a reward for it-something he was so genuinely thrilled with when he got home, he couldn’t wait to tell me.

Both my babies make me proud so much, they always deserve to be on the Thankful list.

 

So all in all, it wasn’t the worst day…..

That’s all from me for today, don’t forget you can join in with this subject yourselves.  You can add your comment about what you’re thankful for below in the comments section, or you can tweet me, mention me on Instagram or comment on my Facebook page.  Just make sure you use the hashtag #MFBthankful so I can see you!

Until the next time.

X

My Date in London, with Anxiety

Yesterday, I attended a press event in London (feel free to have a nose about that here-Yours Clothing-Test a Tattoo).

Now, as my regular readers, and readers who have been with me from the beginning, will know, I blog a lot about my ongoing mental health issues.  I have severe anxiety disorder which includes social anxiety, mild depression, brought on by a form of PTSD following my recurrent miscarriages a few years ago.

 

I got the invite for the event on Monday, when, weirdly enough, my anxiety was at an all time high.  Every year, at this time, it goes into overdrive, because there’s always so much going on, so many things to remember, the children’s social calendar is crazy, but there are also so many bugs and illnesses going round school, I panic myself ridiculously that they’re going to get something and miss important events we have planned!

Because I was anxious, I felt sick-and had done for a couple of days prior the the email inviting me.
As fate would have it, the invite was for yesterday (Wednesday), which happened to be the husband’s only day off this week.

To cut a long story in between Monday and Wednesday short, I was well enough to go.  I slept on and off Tuesday night, waking with anxiety (shock) to check I hadn’t slept through my alarm.
At 5:15, precisely 15 minutes before my alarm was due to go off (go figure), I gave in and got up.
I got ready fine, and walked happily to the train station, paid for my ticket and waited on the platform.  All was ok-I thought “oh my god-I’m cured!”  Then I got on the train.

Immediately the anxiety attack took hold of me.  I felt my body, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, burn with sudden heat.  I stripped down to the dress I was wearing, and dug out my herbal anxiety chews, and took sips of water.  I’d downloaded a film so quickly hit the play button on my iPad and stuck both earphones in my ears.
While it started I glanced around, nervously choosing which person would have to pick me up when I passed out.

As the train started moving, and we hit each train station, the anxiety got worse.  Just as I’d calmed down, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, and pressing my hot head on the cool window to try and alleviate the flushes, we’d stop at another station, lit up by the quickly rising sunset, and I’d start it all over again.  I initially thought it was the fact I was getting further away from home that was the issue, but in actual fact I think it was that my destination was getting closer, bringing new unease and unfamiliarity.

The train finally rolled into my station, and I watched rush hour commuters quickly grab their belongings, and following them gingerly, I stepped onto the platform.

I watched as people hurried by, in their own worlds, not giving a damn about the 30 year old girl next to them, consumed by anxiety.
It was then I decided, I knew why I was there, I’ve dreamed of doing this, this is what I’ve worked so hard for.  I’m not going to let this beat me.
I chose to think of myself as Mrs Mayflower for the day.  Still me, but a stronger, more confident me.

I walked as fast as all the other commuters, to the tube, squeezed on to the underground train, and made my way to the venue.
A couple of times over the course of the following three hours, the horrible feeling tried to come back and wash over me again, but I didn’t let it.  Mrs Mayflower wouldn’t let it.

After 3 hours at the event, I left and made my way back to the tube station I’d earlier arrived in, wondering, as I always do, why I got so worked up in the first place.
I treated myself to a walk to the top of Primrose Hill, to see the London skyline, a view I never get sick of, and that I felt I deserved after what I’d overcome during the course of the morning.

I called my husband, who had been the only person I had told about the event (for fear of letting others down when I possibly bailed out) and, as usual, his supportive words, confirming my strength through the adversity I’d faced, were all I needed to hear.
I made my way home, back to my normal life being a mother and a wife.

Today I decided, I’d write this blog to show how I overcame these life obstructing issues yesterday, to do something I’ve dreamed of doing for so long.
This wasn’t ever a blog on how to cure anxiety-or self help tips you can take with you-everyone deals with their anxiety differently, and, what work for some, really won’t work for others.

No, what this blog was for was to show you, there is so much strength in each and every one of us, that we can find if we really dig deep.  There is hope in the darkest of days, and sometimes, hope is all you need.
Taking a tiny step to an anxiety sufferer, will always feel like the biggest leap of faith, but it’s so totally worth it if you can just find that courage.

Today, I went back to being a Mummy, and a Wife, and spent the afternoon with horrible anxiety again, because of the same concerns I had on Monday.

I’m by no means cured-far from it-and I don’t think I ever will be.  But this was the stepping stone I needed to move forward in how I deal with my issues-and for that I’m truly proud of myself.

x