Turning 31 – Crappy Birthday To Me….

In one week I’m turning 31.
31 years of Birthday’s, each one, up until now, celebrated and enjoyed.

 

Until this one that is. Continue reading “Turning 31 – Crappy Birthday To Me….”

School Transition Time! How To Get Your Child (And You) Through It!

So, we’re coming up to that time of year, when either your child is moving schools, or moving classes.  Either way, you’re coming up to a possibly tricky time of transition-new teachers, new schools, new friends-it’s a daunting experience!

Recently, Kye moved schools, and he moved before the transition period.  Moving mid-term has to be one of the scariest things a child will go through (and parents), and I really thought he’d struggle with it all.  In actual fact, the plan we quickly scrambled together, about how to deal with the transition and his feelings, to suit the type of person he is, seemed to work quite well, and the move was successful! Continue reading “School Transition Time! How To Get Your Child (And You) Through It!”

13 Reasons Why-The Importance Of Awareness 

I’ve spent the last week watching the much talked about Netflix programme, 13 Reasons Why. 
I’ve also seen so many mixed reviews-so many opinions on the subject of suicide and mental health issues being made so accessible to young viewers throughout this programme.

As much as I can understand people’s concerns, I can only write my opinion from my own experiences-which is actually harder than you would think. Continue reading “13 Reasons Why-The Importance Of Awareness “

When Mummy Is Poorly-The World Doesn’t Actually Fall Apart

For the past five days, I’ve spent the majority of my time, stuck in bed, poorly with a severe sinus infection.

As a child, memories of being looked after by my parents, given medicine, food and drink, and unaware of anything else except the love and care I had to make me better, are still prominent now, as an adult.

When you become a parent, that role reverses, and you’re the caregiver, not just when your children are poorly, but continuously.

What you don’t realise when becoming a parent, is how different being unwell yourself becomes.


Things I’ve realised this past five days are;

You can spend five days in bed, but never truly rest-not even when asleep.
I have been laying in bed, trying to get the antibiotics I was given to work, sleeping when I need to, not having to worry about anything except getting better.
Once upon a time, that would’ve been possible-a complete shut down of my body, enabling my immune system to fight back.
Now, I wake in blind panic, worrying about what the time is-whether the children are OK (even though I know they’re fine deep down)-sometimes I even set an alarm to make sure they’ve got what they need.
When I sleep I dream about what I’m worried about,  I imagine they’ve forgotten bags for school or they’ve not been given dinner.  I never truly rest-my brain is constantly on the go.

poorlyMy husband is incredible.
Now, I knew this-he’s one of the best Husbands and Fathers I know.  I think when something like this happens, it just becomes so much more obvious about the amount he takes on.
Yes I know he’s only doing what I do every single day usually, but I’m used to it, I know what happens hour on hour.  I know how long it takes to get to school, then to nursery.  I know how to get Olivia into nursery without her kicking off-and that before, when we tried to get her in with the hubs, she kicked off royally.
I know how long a wash takes, how long to put the tumble dryer on for-I know what food is for who and for when.
Not only has my husband taken time off work to look after the children, and do all of the above and more-he’s also taken amazing care of me-never complaining once (well not to my face anyway).
Any issues he may have had he’s either not made me aware of, or made them seem less stressful than he probably found them at the time.
It’s times like this I know I made the right choice in not only marrying this man, but having children with him.

You know who’s bothered.poorly
Unfortunately, even though I put this picture on my Facebook, with a needle sticking out of my arm, there were actual family members and “friends” that still didn’t bother messaging with concern!  I didn’t do the picture for that reason obviously (I was actually super impressed I was sat with a cannula sticking out of my arm without passing out!)
You definitely realise who means the most to you, and who you mean the most to, when you’re unwell.  It’s a big learning curve for me, to put those that clearly don’t care, out of my mind.

You really miss your kids.
Obviously this one only really rings true if you’re a parent.
Seriously though, I may as well have been quarantined miles away from home, for the amount I’ve seen my babies.
It didn’t help that I got worse over Easter-and they had family visits without me, and that I’ve basically only seen them at bedtimes when they give me a kiss goodnight.
It also doesn’t help that their little faces fall each time they come and see me and realise I’m no better.
I actually missed doing the school and nursery run today.   I really wasn’t well enough, and I won’t be for a little while, but it didn’t stop me thinking I could drag myself out of bed and take them in!

You’re a proper WIMP! (This one may just be for me) 
Really, am I now an eight year old?  I’ve managed to push two 9lb 3 babies out of my foof, but I can’t cope with a fuck load small amount of facial pain?!
I have cried more in the last five days than I have in the last five years.  I have wept for the years spent being looked after by my parents-being force fed Lucozade and being tucked in by my Dad.  I have continuously felt sorry for myself, panicking about how everyone will cope when I’m not able to look after them.


It turns out, everyone copes just fine.  All of the above points are entirely selfish on my part-things I think and feel about myself.

It also turns out, I’m one lucky girl to have those around me who are willing to look after me.  Those who step up, those who worry, who care, who help.

(I would like to add though, if this continues much longer, I’ll be needing a lot more in the way of people and their help-to stop me losing the plot entirely.  If anyone has a miracle cure for Chronic Sinusitis too-that would also be greatly appreciated.)

Today I’m thankful For…..#4

Good Afternoon!  So, today I am thankful for;
Being a grown up
I didn’t feel brilliant when I woke up this morning, and I remembered back to when I was little, having to suck it up and go to a family thing or a planned event my parents had decided on, wishing I was back in bed, or on the sofa watching TV.

Now I’m a grown up, and, although there are a few negative aspects to it sometimes, there are plenty of positives too!
I got up, pulled on some baggy leggings I wouldn’t dare wear out, and my husbands hoody over my pyjama top-I didn’t even bother putting a bra on (too much information?)
I scraped my hair back into a pony tail and ran a wipe over my face.
I’ve spent the day in front of the TV snuggled with the kids, watching films and faffing on my iPad.  I have only got up to get the kids juice, and get us all lunch, then sat back down.  I fancied a cake and we didn’t have any, so I just got up and made one.  Then I ate some as soon as it was ready.
Because I can, because I’m a grown up now!

The cake thing acutally brings me on to the next thing I’m thankful for today.

 
Being able to bake
You don’t get much chance as a kid to bake, and when you do you’re governed by a recipe out of an old book your parents still have from their ancestors, and said parents are breathing down your neck, checking you’re doing it properly, and making sure you don’t burn the house down.
So when you eventually become a grown up, you kind of have to learn to do these things on your own.
I don’t remember learning it, it just kind of came naturally, a bit like the writing I do now actually.

But really, what a skill to ace.  I want a cake, I make a cake.  The cake I wanted today was plain sponge, with cream and strawberry jam inside, and cream and strawberries on the top.  Luck shone down on me today and I had every ingredient I needed, I made the cake and it looked and tasted exactly how I had dreamt it would in my head!

 
Being able to let go
As I type this, I only have one of my babies at home.  Which isn’t abnormal as I sometimes only have Olivia here in the week, while Kye’s at school.  School, is one of those things you’re forced into having to be OK with as a parent. You know they need it, you know it’s the law, you know there’s not enough brain in your head to teach them at home, so it’s best for them.

What I struggle with more though, is the ability to be OK with letting my eldest child go to friends houses without me!  I know, I know,it sounds crazy doesn’t it, seriously, cut the apron strings woman!  Unfortunately, that’s just the person I am, and always have been. Don’t get me wrong, he’s gone to friends houses before!
Before today however it, was just stupidly hard and I’d worry and have the worst anxiety all the time he was gone.  The difference now is, as I’m getting better mentally, and becoming happier and more positive in myself, decisions such as letting him go out for the afternoon to a friends house, becomes a lot easier.
I’m proud of him, for wanting to go, and I know he’ll do his best to follow the rules that are not only the ones he’s been brought up with, but the ones set out by his friends family. Today though, I’m also proud of myself for having the ability to now let him go.

So that’s all for today’s ‘thankful for’ post!  Don’t forget you can join in to!
You can go onto my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram or comment at the bottom of this post to join in thinking of something you’re thankful for.  Don’t forget to use the hashtag #MFBthanful so I can find you easily too!

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Xx

Social Anxiety-Today I Win

 

This morning after a night of no sleep, thanks to a pulled muscle from teaching my kids how to do a headstand (don’t ask), I felt I had a very good reason not to take my son to a friends party he’d been invited to.  I felt I should find a reason not to go, because that’s what I always do.  Welcome to the beautiful world of social anxiety.

Let me mention here, if you don’t know much about social anxiety, it’s basically full of people making plans with you, inviting you or your children somewhere, you saying yes, then on the day, finding any excuse you can, not to go!
You could really want to go to the thing you’ve been invited to, but, as the day looms and the anxiety kicks in, the little niggling feeling you have about going gets worse.

Today, the niggling feeling was telling me not to force myself to be in a situation I’m in every day.  I have to go to the school every morning, and now the nursery too.  I have no choice, my kids need to go.  Today I had a choice-not to force myself to go, resulting in; (to name a few of the delightful symptoms that plague me daily) heart palpitations, horrible tummy cramps, feeling nauseous, hot flushes, panicky feelings-that start at the bottom of my body and work all the way up until I feel like I can’t breathe, bringing me on to-shortness of breath, and, my favourite, the urge to run, hide and cry in a corner.

Now, I suffer from social anxiety on a daily basis, so these feelings are pretty normal for me-I always say if it wasn’t for my children I probably wouldn’t ever leave the house.  Thankfully for me, I do have them to keep me going and get my butt moving every day, but today, I had a ready made excuse to not go-the neck pain!


At 11:30 this morning,  and hour before we had to leave, I changed my mind.  For several reasons……

My son, almost aged 7, unfortunately doesn’t get a lot of invites to parties.  He’s a lovely kid (and I’m not just saying that because he’s mine), he’s friends with everyone, very polite, well mannered and clever.  So clever in fact, that he now can tell me which of his friends parents don’t like me.  I myself, am a very private person when it comes to speaking with my children about personal grown up matters, which, I would hope, most parents are.  The fact would then remain that he’s come to this conclusion himself, noticing the tension, hearing things said, or not said, as he often asks me why some of his friends mummies don’t talk to me.

I’ve told him some people just don’t get on-sparing him from the detail that I could go into about the sheer hell I’ve faced for the last two and a half years.   In me explaining that, he understands that I’m the reason he doesn’t get invited to things-something his six year old brain doesn’t register as a bad thing yet, but something my 30 year old brain battles with daily, worrying he’ll one day start to resent me, as he gets older, and these issues possibly continue.

For once, he’s been invited to something.  How can I take that away from him because I can’t control my mental health issues?!

Another reason I went, (although one of the reasons I at first didn’t want to go), not one I realised until I was there, were my issues with worrying about what others think of me.

For a little while now, I’ve been slowly battling the nagging feeling I have at every event, social occasion or family get together, that people are judging me.

This, is made no better, by sly little whisperers, who judge everything I do, say (and sometimes, wear).  I think the change came when I attended my first press event in London at the end of last year.  I walked into a room full of people I didn’t know and thought, they’re strangers, they don’t have a preconceived idea of who you are, because they don’t presume to know a stranger they’ve only just met.  Tell them who you are, tell them about yourself, then they can judge on factual information, not hearsay others frequently use against you for their own pleasure.
Slowly, since that day, I’ve honestly started to feel sorry for people, and the way they go about their day, negatively, sadly, nastily, angrily.

I used to be a positive person, and I felt sorry for myself for the negative way I started to conduct myself, when faced with people that dedicated their time to putting me down and belittling me.  Why was I feeling sorry for myself, when the things being said weren’t even true?

 

I’m a really nice person when you get to know me.  Many years of being battered by dickheads took its toll and I’m not ashamed to say I now take a lot longer to assume someone is my friend.  But I am a really good friend, to those that are good to me.

I’m a good mum, a loving wife, I’m a talented writer, and have been nominated for an award in the last month.  I’m a good daughter, step daughter, and liked family member amongst those that know me properly.

I’ve never acted out of malice (sometimes I plainly just misread situations and people-something I’m learning the hard way to stop doing).

And through all of this-through all my good traits, even through my bad ones, (because I wouldn’t be so stuck up to profess perfection), I’ve realised one massive thing.  One gigantic, stupendous, life changing thing.

I’m happy with who I am.

And those six words, have got me through a fair few school runs, social situations, family get-togethers, and professional events recently.

I won’t be changed, I won’t be beaten.  You can try, and once upon a time you would’ve succeeded-you tried so hard, you’ll never understand the damage you did do-but not any more.

I know who my friends are.  And most importantly I know who I am. And I won’t let those that try and beat me down, those that don’t know me for who i really am, or stupid social anxiety, win, anymore!

Xxx

For more information on social anxiety, and how to cope with it-see the social anxiety website-here.

What’s Your Phobia?

During the Celebrity Big Brother launch night the other evening, and noticing the gorgeous Calum Best was wearing a vile velvet suit, I realised having a phobia of velvet is actually quite weird!
When you would avoid Calum Best because he’s wearing a velvet suit, there’s something not quite right there!

It got me thinking however, about what other weird phobias people have.
So, off I went to ask my beautiful blogging pals!

It would appear my other phobia of bridges (I worry they’re going to collapse with me on them-and they’re usually over water, which would make me even more screwed as I can’t swim), isn’t one shared by anyone else.
My cotton wool phobia however, is shared by Lisa over at The Love Of A Captain and Amy over at All Things Amy, but additionally, Lisa also has a phobia of marshmallows, and Amy also has a fear of polystyrene!!

 

Coral over at Way Too Much Luggage has a phobia of nail files (the sand paper feeling ones-glass ones she’s good with) and balloons.
Balloons is quite a common one, Coral’s phobia of these started when she saw clowns at a circus when she was little.
She’s unsure when the nail file phobia started, but the feeling of them make her shiver!
Emma over at Me, The Man & The Baby, has a phobia of toad in the hole (I know, weird right!).  She thinks it stems from her mother’s toad in the hole from when she was smaller-and lets face it, we’ve all not eaten something since having it as a child for fear of feeling the same disgust we felt when smaller!

On the subject of food, Tracey over at One Frazzled Mum is scared of eggs!  Once again she’s another with no idea as to why she’s scared of them. She doesn’t eat them at all and can’t even cook them.  This time though, its not down to a parent cooking them badly-her mother said that even when she was a baby she wouldn’t eat them!

Lucy over at Hello Beautiful Bear has a phobia of World War 2!  So traumatised by watching videos and studying it at school, have made her really very scared of the whole event!  She had nightmares all of the time, hated anything to do with it, and really hated History lessons at school that were covering it!

Rebecca over at Meadow Daisy has a massive phobia of butterflies.  She says the wings are all fluttery, flappy and powdery and just thinking of them makes her want to cry!!!

One of my most favourite ones, because of how much her reasons for the phobia made me laugh, was from Janet over at Mummys Monkey.  Her phobia is of beards.  Yep, you read right-beards……
When questioned as to why beards are so frightening for her, she answered, and I quote, “Well what are they trying to hide under there? And most serial killers have them. Obviously I know not every bearded man wants to kill me but still…”

Faye over at Glossytots is who I’d choose as my winner (if this was a competition).  Her phobia is frogs.  She’s no idea why she’s scared of them, but her phobia is so bad, she passes out if she sees one!
Once a friend of hers, thought it would be funny to take her to a pool of frogs…which backfired slightly when Faye had to be taken away in an Ambulance!

Cat over at Rock and Roll Pussycat has a phobia of wet paper!
For her it’s the texture. She can cope with paper if her hands are cold and completely dry, but if they are slightly wet or sweaty and she touches paper, the phobia comes out!! For some reason, newspaper and white A4 sheets of paper, are the worst offenders!

Beth over at Twinderelmo has a phobia of tomatoes!  (I’ll be honest when I say I laughed a little at her explanation as to why).  She said she’s convinced they’ll pop open and the pips will go in her mouth-she can’t even hold them!  Her phobia stems from someone at school picking a dirty slice of tomato up off of the floor, and the pips going everywhere.

Finally, Helena over at Babyfoote has a phobia of plastic bags.  When I asked her why, she said the phobia is of bags that she doesn’t know the contents of. Bin bags at the side of the road, plastic shopping bags tied up in woodlands, parcels (especially big ones) that are unexpected and covered in plastic.
If they’re in an unexpected place and she can’t see what’s inside she won’t go near it (so instead, sends her other half). She just can’t risk finding dead puppies!

I’ve laughed at some of these (especially Janet’s), but ultimately, these are still peoples phobias, and, if this blog has proved anything-it’s that phobias come in all shapes and sizes, and have various effects on people!
These people are genuinely frightened by their phobias, regardless of how funny or odd they might seem!

Do let me know if you’ve any odd or random phobia’s!  You can share them with me over on the Facebook page here, on my Twitter page here, or leave me a comment at the bottom of this page!

Thank you to my lovely blogger girls for getting involved with this-it’s been enlightening to say the least!

X

The (not big, not fat) Quiz of the year- 2016/2017

So my lovely friend Alex over at Better Together Home, tagged me in her quiz over at her blog (go see her answers here!)

I do love a quiz, as most of my friends and family will know, so one about my blog and personal life, is right up my street.

As mentioned in 365 Days of Mayflower Blogs, 2016 for me (and a lot of others), was up and down to say the least!

Blog wise, it was really successful.  I met a lot of lovely people, and have had (and am still having) a lot of amazing opportunities come my way!
Personally, it was a mixed bag.  Money issues, a family death, and attempts to manage my mental health issues, often made the year feel pretty rubbish.  But the things I managed to achieve professionally, therefore affecting me personally, made the year actually pretty good!

So, here goes with this “Not big, not fat-quiz of the year 2016/2017”, complete with highlights from last year, and goals for this year!

 

What was your highlight of 2016?

Professionally-it has to be the nomination from Tommy’s for their Mums Voice Award.  It just brought together, everything I’ve ever done, for the reason I do it.  I blog to make a difference, and to help people feel less alone in what they’re going through, that I’ve already been through-so to be recognised in even just a nomination for those reasons was (and still is) amazing.

Personally-my husband’s 30th celebrations, and my 30th celebrations.  I put so much effort into making his so special, and thankfully he did the same for mine.  Alongside friends and family, we had such a special time (6 months apart), and I’ll never forget that.

Name one thing you are likely to remember about 2016 if asked in five years time?

London.  Not just in general, but accomplishing what I thought was the impossible.  Battling through an anxiety attack on the train to the city.  Trying to curb the rising panic building in me when I arrived at my first London press event, into a room with tons of people I didn’t know, attempting to ignore the social anxiety issues, that usually plague me on a regular basis.
2016 was the year, my mental illnesses didn’t beat me on one of the most important days of my life.

 

Sum up 2016 in one word

Arduous.

 

Name one pearl of wisdom from 2016 that you will carry through 2017

We all have to start from somewhere!  Granted, this was a pearl of wisdom I realised myself at the latter part of 2016.  After a couple of meetings and events, I realised all of the people I was meeting, all started from the same place-the start.
When I’m asking those who have more years than me of writing, advice on how to do something for my beginners blog, I would hope they would remember, they were a beginner once, and they didn’t learn it all themselves!

 

Do you have any new year resolutions?
Nope!  I don’t do resolutions anymore.  I don’t diet on the 1st of January, I don’t stop doing things on the 1st of January, because, I feel, if you’re willing to quit doing something on that day, you should’ve quit it a week before, or half way through the year.
Goals are a different thing, as are dreams.  I aim for those rather than keeping resolutions.

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How did you see in the new year?
How I always do, how I probably will for a while yet!  Indoors, in my pyjamas, eating cheese and chocolate, watching random tv, then asleep by midnight!  My children aren’t the sort that go to bed late so wake up late-they wake at the same time no mater what time they go to sleep!  So there’s no way I risk being a Mombie on New Years Day, because I wanted to watch fireworks over Big Ben live on the TV (we tape it and watch it with the kids the next day-we do the countdown ‘n’ everything!)
What are your main goals for 2017?
Personally-continue to manage my anxiety and other mental health issues.  Try and save some pennies, and treat the kids (and us) more.
Professionally-really get myself out there and noticed.  Work hard to help others, and try and make a difference, in any way I can.

Aaaaaaand, thats a wrap folks!  I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Big Loves

MFB x

The Trouble Isn’t Facebook….

My Dad always goes on about how he hates the idea of Facebook.  As a member of staff in a school, as a parent of three, he has an opinion of the social media platform, even though he’s never even been on it.

People use it in the wrong way.  It should be used to stay in touch with people who aren’t nearby, not to get one over on people, to use people’s words against them-I can’t bear it!

My god how we’ve bickered about it.  How I’ve defended the reason I use it.  In the end we agreed to disagree, and I just never bring up anything about it.

 

Just over a week ago, I ended up disagreeing with my own opinion, the opinion I’ve tried to convince my Father about so often.

My Facebook, was no longer being used to stay in contact with those that don’t live close by.  It wasn’t being used for people to send me funny posts, or sweet messages on my wall.

Instead, I had messages sent, from disgruntled people,who’d been fed information twisting my words, or in some cases, making things up I’d apparently said.  After a terrible few days in “the real world” and the realisation that a large amount of people who see into “My Facebook world”, were no longer people I could trust, I decided to deactivate it-I didn’t need it, until I realised that actually, I did.  Why should I suffer and not be able to speak to/catch up with the ones I do trust, that have never screwed me over?  Instead, I decided to delete those that I didn’t trust any longer/that I didn’t often speak to.

To cut a long story short, I deleted 28 people.  Some of those were family members (that sounds harsh I know).  But they were family members who don’t speak to me, don’t visit us, don’t see our children.  While speaking to a friend I mentioned most won’t even notice I’ve deleted them-and if they did, and they questioned it, I’d explain.  Those who were bothered enough about my “friendship” would make the effort to message me/text me and keep in contact.

A week went by, and no one messaged, and I knew then I’d made the right decision.  I’ve mainly used my Facebook for sharing my blog posts, but I know whatever I post, I can trust people not to twist my words, or share my posts back to those I don’t have time for.

Then 2 messages came through, a few days apart, but identical in content.

Why have you deleted me? Have I done something wrong?!

I replied with what I’d said to my friend, that I wanted it to be as private as possible now, that I’d had too many issues with it, and that’s not what I wanted from it.  That if people wanted to keep in touch, I was able to be inbox messaged, text messaged, Whatsapp messaged, or spoken to in person (plenty of ways to contact me!)

One of the people, replied saying that it was understandable, and they’d just worried they’d done something wrong-a worry I quickly eradicated.  We had a conversation.  We’ll keep in touch.

The other person didn’t reply at all.  Read the message, clearly got the arse about my reasons for doing so, and didn’t even respond.  We haven’t spoken since.

I wasn’t fussed.  In fact, I was quite smug.  I had been proved right in my reasons for doing what I’d done, and seen first hand the two types of people you end up with when doing something like this.

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The trouble isn’t Facebook-it’s the people using it.

One Week Later

one-day-can-change-everything

One week ago, nothing was different.  We had plans for the week with various friends, I was loving that half term meant no school runs, and I had one happy boy ready for a week with his friends and family.

We went out for a walk, he was absolutely fine, although a little tired toward the end, but

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During his walk on the Sunday Morning

we had walked a long way so I expected that.  He had a bath, and went to bed fine.

 

 

 

The day after, all plans for the week, and happiness went out of the window, when we ended up in hospital with the boy and a concern that he had signs of Meningitis.  10 hours in the hospital, an all clear in the end from and Meningococcal infections, two lots of antibiotics to kill any infections he may have had, and advice of rest, rest, and more rest, with an added side note for us to keep a very close eye on him, (as if I need prompting for that!)

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24 hours later, mid-hospital stay

 

I cancelled all plans, we spent the week indoors, with me dosing him up, keeping that “close eye” on him as instructed, and basically coming close to an anxiety attack every time he complained of a symptom similar to those that the hospital flagged up as “dangerous” on the Monday.  Most evenings, I would sit watching tv, with the sound down low, and the baby monitor-dug out from a cupboard and placed in his bedroom-turned up so high I could hear him breathing.

 

Thursday and Friday, I managed to take him out for an hour and it exhausted him.  Saturday we had a slightly busier day and he seemed to be getting back to normal, aside from the tiredness.

It was around the table at dinner time, he asked me if the school opens back up on Monday.  When I answered that it did, his face fell, and he looked down sadly.  Although I had picked up on it, I wasn’t going to play along, so I asked cheerily why he was asking.  He said he didn’t want to go back to school, he wanted to stay home for longer with me.  I told him that that’s not how his life works.  He has plenty of time off and he’d rested lots last week so it was now time to get back to normal-and I walked away.

The thing is, that’s not what I wanted to say.  The Mummy he sees on a day to day basis, knows what he should be told, and what I should be telling/

The Mummy I truly am however, wanted to say something so different.

This Mummy wants to reply to the sadness with “that’s OK darling, you don’t have to go back”.  This Mummy wants to say that she can’t bear the thought of him leaving her, so she can’t look after him how she has for the past week, that she would quite happily never do a school run again because it makes her so miserable she doesn’t know who she is anymore.

This Mummy wants to keep her babies close, to never see anyone, for fear of them hurting them, for fear of them making her a person she doesn’t want her children to see.

This Mummy just wants to feel normal.

The thing is, I can’t ever let her rule.  I’ll hide her away, like I always do, and be the Mummy my babies deserve, need and want.  As exhausting as it is, I’ll stay strong, pretend everything’s OK, and put my happy smiley face on, when all I really want to do is cry, scream and fall apart.

Because my children, my little world turners, deserve the best in life.  And I’ll never let them down.