#Blogtober ~ Day 12 ~ Love

Today is day 12 of Blogtober 2017, and definitely one of the easier themes to write about-Love.


I have a lot of loves in my life, not all of them people-some of them things-some of them material, some of them not.
All of them, however, give me the strength and positivity I need to get through even the toughest days. Continue reading “#Blogtober ~ Day 12 ~ Love”

The Panda Kids Bamboo Memory Foam Pillow Review (from my 3 year old)


We were sent The Panda Kids Bamboo Memory Foam Pillow to review from My Panda Life.

I thought it would be fun to let Olivia review this one-so I asked her a few questions.

Do you like your new pillow?
Yes! (Lots of nodding came with this answer).

Do you find it comfortable?
Yes it’s lovely and comfy!

Do you sleep better when you sleep on your new pillow?
Ooh yes, it’s lovely and warm!

What’s your favourite thing about your new pillow?
I like that it’s comfy, and I like to lie on it, and it’s got a panda on it-I like that too!

From a grown ups perspective, it is pretty awesome!  She genuinely has slept better since we got it, and we’ve actually had lie ins from her for the first time ever!

(I’ll let you into a secret-she’s not actually asleep here-but is available for acting jobs!)

A little bit about the pillow.

pandaThe Panda Kids Bamboo Memory Foam Pillow is made up of a single cut of the finest odourless memory foam.
The memory foam helps position the head and shoulders correctly, something that can’t be done sufficiently with normal, stuffed pillows.
There is a crescent bow in the centre of the memory foam pillow, which has been proven to help to fight against flat head syndrome.

Just like the adult pillow, this one also has a bamboo fibre cover, allowing the pillow to breath naturally.   Bamboo fibre has natural temperature regulating properties, which means it will keep your child cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter.

I’m pretty sure this has helped Olivia have a better nights sleep,because she does tend to overheat and is still at the age where regulating her own temperature isn’t possible.
pandapandaThe Bamboo is naturally antibacterial, which helps it resist mould and dust, therefore reducing allergy issues in small children.  IT also needs less washing, and when it does have to be washed, it can go on a 30 degree wash, takes half the time of regular cases to dry, and doesn’t wrinkle.

The pillow also comes with 10 years manufacturer guarantee and 30 night home trial too-so really, what are  you waiting for-head over to My Panda Life and buy one now!!!!


*Please note, I was kindly sent the pillow, free of charge in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.  All thoughts and opinions are my own.

Those 10pm Moments…..

One of my most favourite things to do-in days filled with school runs, housework, dinners, baths, keeping the kids alive, etc-happens at 10pm.

At 10pm, the husband and I drag our ridiculously tired selves to bed.  Now, as much as I love all that goes with bedtime, (the silence being one of the major loves of my evenings), it’s not quite up there with something else I do every night.


At 10pm, I head up to the top of the house to pay a visit to my biggest kidlet.
I un-ruffle the duvet from under and around his sleeping body, locate his favourite cuddly elephant, check he’s not too hot or cold and tuck him back in.
I then always stroke his face, smooth down his unruly bed hair, kiss his forehead, and tell him “Mummy loves you”.  Sometimes he murmurs a reply of “love you” back- other times he doesn’t stir, but I always say it anyway.


Shortly after, I go back down to the littlest kidlet’s room, where things are sometimes a little different.
80% of the time, she will tend to be somewhere else in her bed, in comparison to where I originally tucked her in a few hours ago.
Instead of angelically laying on her pillow, the right way up, she tends to be upside down, back to front, laying on top of the covers.
Because she’s not in the right place, more often than not when I go to move her, she stirs.  And, sometimes, following all of this, she also needs a cuddle.

Sleepy cuddles are definitely my absolute favourite type of cuddles.

All squishy and warm, their sleepy bodies mould into yours, and sometimes you hold them for so long (accidentally of course), that they fall back to sleep.
Just for a second, you’re transported back to when they were babies, and you rocked them to sleep when they were teething, poorly or generally unsettled.

Once resettled, the little lady’s cuddly is also located, her covers are tucked back in, her hair is smoothed and her cheek Is stroked.
A little more alert than her brother, we sometimes have sleepy conversations that more often than not, go exactly like this.

“Mummy loves you.”

“Olivia loves you.”

“Mummy loves you more.”

“Olivia loves you most.”

We leave it there with her thinking she’s won that battle of love declaration,  but obviously I know better.
These times, every night, when it’s just me and them-no noise, no worries and nothing to busy us, are so precious to me.


I sometimes find my mind attempts to lull me into being sad-into missing the baby cuddles, or worrying about the day I won’t get to do these sleepy little rituals with them.

Instead, I try and look forward to all the cuddles and sleepy conversations still to come.  The endless possibilities of hair smoothing, cheek stroking, and murmured “I love you’s”.

Then, I feel like the luckiest mummy on the planet-and look forward to 10pm the next night, once again.


A Day In The Life Of A 3 Year Old


5:30am. I’m awake-my day can start now yeah?  MUMMYYYYYYY MUMMYYYYY.  Oh god daddy’s coming instead.  He’s not got a clue how to handle me at this time in the morning.  He said mummy is sick so she can’t come in.  NOOOOOO I WANT TO GET UUUUUUP!  Eurgh, he’s closed the door and left me here-I’ll call mummy again.  MUMMYYYYY.  Yay here she comes!  Oh wait she’s sick?!  Now I feel bad.  I’ll go back to sleep for her.

7:30am. I actually feel better for more sleep.  Who knew!  It doesn’t matter though because I’ll forget tonight and do it all again tomorrow anyway.


Daddy is asking what I want.  I think I want toast with honey but I might deliberate over my decision for a minute.  Ooh I know what I could have-Weetabix!  We don’t have any, but I could get cross about that then settle for honey on toast anyway!

7:45am. Breakfast was lovely-although it did go really cold really quickly.  I genuinely don’t understand it.  I couldn’t have been talking for more than half hour in-between bites!

Daddy took my plate out, then just as he sat back down I asked for some juice.  I don’t get why he looked so irritated?

8:30am. Is it lunchtime yet?  I asked Daddy and he said we’ve only just had breakfast.  So I asked for a snack.  He said we’d just had breakfast.
I don’t get it-my Brother doesn’t ask when it’s lunchtime or ask for snacks.  Does he never get hungry?!

OOH stickers-I’ll play with those.

8:40am. I’ve stuck the stickers all over the floor and now I’m bored.  I’ll leave them here and I think go and ask Daddy if it’s lunchtime yet…..
Daddy said it’s not lunchtime for another 2 and a half hours. So I cried. Lots.

9:00am. I’m going to go see Mummy.  Daddy said she’s having a lie in because she’s sick but she’ll want to see me.

9:05am. Mummy wasn’t overly talkative this morning.  A limp hand on my back while I’m draped over her isn’t really my idea of a cuddle.  God knows why she wasn’t all excited to see me!

10:00am. Ooooh we’re going for a walk in a little while,  Mummy just told me (she seems to be happy to talk now).  I really want to go, but decided not to let her know that, so instead I cried and said I didn’t want to go.
She told me that it was fine and I could stay home alone.
I dropped the crying really quickly and said I’d like to go-I don’t want to be on my own!

I think instead I’ll just moan while we’re out instead.

10:30am. Mummy’s been trying to get me to come up to the bedroom to get ready.  I’m busy!  This Lego won’t tip itself out and be left in the middle of the floor you know!

10:45am. Mummy said she’d take me out in my pyjamas and I’d get cold, so I’m getting changed.  And when I say I, I mean I.  I’m making her let me do it.  So here goes!

11:15am. I’ve managed both my socks and one leg, half into my trousers.  This getting dressed lark is harder than I had considered! Mummy, Daddy and my Brother are sat waiting for me.  Mummy has offered to help LOADS.  No Mummy-I can do this!!!!


11:17am. Mummy got me dressed.  She’s like some kind of ninja and I could see how much she wanted to do it so I let her.
(I did put my own shoes on though-win!).


11:25am. I’m in the car.  Only two minutes ago, I was screaming about going into the car seat-and I did a really good impression of a rigid banana!  Now I’m happily singing to the Moana soundtrack.

11:28am. I’ve just heard Mummy and Daddy say something about me being Jekyll and Hyde-not a clue what that is but I reckon it’s something lovely!

. We’re finally here. I asked constantly in the car if we were there yet-but for some reason it didn’t speed things up and everyone just seemed irritated.  Mummy gave me and my Brother lunch in the car.  I managed to talk through that too.

12:03am. I’m now walking.  Mummy brought the pushchair “just in case”.  I’ve already told her I won’t need it.  I’m going to walk everywhere!

12:05pm. Arghhhh my legs!  My little sore, tired legs!  I’m going to cry this one out.  I’m NOT going in the pushchair!

12:07pm. I’m in the pushchair.  Don’t judge me!  I was tired!  What baffles me is how Mummy knew I’d need it-i asked her.  She replied “Mummy just knows”.  Well that doesn’t explain anything!

1:00pm. I’ve had fun!  I kept making Mummy stop pushing me to get out then back in the pushchair.  They walked a lot, I didn’t!
Perfect afternoon really!  I’m also SO tired. It must’ve been all that walking!

1:05pm. Mummy said to snooze in the car.  I didn’t even want to get in the car.  I wanted to walk more.  So I cried-LOTS.  I’ll show her, I don’t want to snooze in the car.

2:30pm. What the hell!  I literally just woke up.  I fell asleep in the car and didn’t even wake up when they took me in the house.
I must’ve been really tired.  At least it was my decision to snooze-not Mummy’s.

4:00pm. I’ve had a lovely couple of hours.  All my toys are out.  I’ve barely played with them, just sat amongst them all, watching TV.
I also had a couple of rows with my Brother, and asked 28 times, when dinner is going to be.

4:02pm. Daddy just asked what I’d like for dinner.  I’ve told him I don’t want any dinner.  He said he’ll choose then.

4:30pm. Dinner is ready! It smells so good!  But I am going to assume there’s something in it I don’t like.

4:35pm. My brother is eating his dinner so they’ve probably only put something bad in mine.  I’m not eating it!

5:00pm. I’ve cried. I’m not proud of myself but they actually told me I couldn’t have pudding?! What?! Why?!

5:30pm. Oh wow-dinner and pudding were amazing.  Had to eat without everyone else though, they eat WAY too fast!

6:00pm. I’m so tired again!  What is wrong with me!  I’ve got a sneaky suspicion there WAS something bad in that dinner, and it’s making me sleepy!

6:05pm. I’ve asked Daddy when it’s bedtime.
He’s said soon. That’s not good enough! I’m exhausted! Can he not see how  tired I am?!

6:07am. I’ve cried at him again. I told him how desperate I am to go to bed-he’s still not taken me!

6:30pm. I’ve spent the last 23 minutes doing my absolute best to get Daddy to take me to bed.
He’s just said it’s bedtime.  I’m actually not that tired.  I’ll stay up I think.

6:35pm. Daddy has carried me upstairs-how demeaning!  I just wanted to stay up!!!  I’m not even tired!
I’ll show him!

6:40pm. I didn’t want to brush my teeth-I cried.

6:45pm. Daddy asked me to choose a bedtime book. I’ve managed to drag it out for 10 minutes. I’m not tired!!!!

6:50pm. I’ve got a book.  Daddy said if I took any longer I’d have to go to bed without a bedtime book.  So I’ve got one now.  I’m still not tired though!

6:57pm. The book is finished.  Daddy’s trying to convince me that it’s time for bed now.  What is wrong with him-I’M NOT TIRED!

7:00pm. I kicked the covers off twice but Daddy said he’d just leave me without them on if I didn’t settle down.  So I’m now tucked up.  I’ve told him I’m not tired again and he said that’s fine I can just lay here until I am.  As he tried to leave I remembered I needed all of my night lights on.  And my nose wiped.  And I need another wee.

7:05pm. He’s gone now. I’m going to stay awake-I’m really not tired. I’m really not tired! I’m really not ti…………


The Tale of Mummyhood


Today I’m Thankful For….. #5

I’ll be honest, today I struggled to find things I’m thankful for.
It’s not been a bad day as such, just a kind of nothing day where nothing much happened. I think I’ve scrambled three together though.


My resilient daughter

Seriously, this child.
She was definitely sent to try us, aside from her rather challenging behaviour, she’s  constantly poorly at the moment, and today it would appear she has come down with Hand Foot and Mouth (we think).  Coming up to three weeks in nursery now, she’s only had 3 days where she’s been free from illness, which is tough to watch, but she just gets on with it!  We think she probably started coming down with whatever this is on Friday, after we remembered today hearing her complaining about something hurting, that now has a spot on it.  She has spots on her hands and feet, and a mouthful of ulcers, but not once has she got upset, or fussed about any of these things!  She’s the same child i tell people about all the time, a story about when we viewed our current home; She was 18 months old, toddling around, and, as we viewed the kitchen, she’d climbed to the top of the first flight of stairs, fallen down them, got up at the bottom and run off.  She’s made of some kind of tough-stuff and I’m so thankful she never seems to suffer too much with things.

A Sunday lie-in
I can hear parents everywhere questioning what one of those is.  My kids never let us have one either.  Except for today, when my husband nudged me awake this morning, and whispered “it’s ten to 9!”
I turned over and didn’t even bother opening my eyes to acknowledge it-no sleep is ever enough for me-but just the thought that they’d both slept in, getting the rest their little bodies need after a horrible couple of weeks of being so unwell, made me so happy!
It also gave us the energy to be better parents (not that we’re not bloody marvellous anyway), more patient, happy, motivated parents, meaning we had happier more content children.  Even if this only happened this morning, and they’re both up at 5am tomorrow, we can at least remember it as the “Sunday that was”.

My dad
There’s already a blog about this amazing man, here-My Dad, but I very rarely write much regarding him in general.
At 61 years of age, he’s a massively successful man in his work as a child support worker and family liaison officer, a qualified counsellor, a loving Husband to my equally awesome Step-Mum, an amazing family man, and Grandad to his four Grandchildren.
Sometimes, I find, life just takes over a little. We get ill, then he gets ill, so we sometimes go for long periods of time not seeing each other, even though he’s only half an hour away.  He’s busy, working all week, and, I rarely get a weekend where we’re all free at the same time.  This doesn’t affect his relationship with me in the slightest.  He’s still attentive, caring and loving, and there’s rarely a day where we don’t speak.  His Grandchildren love him as much as anyone else in our family, and he and his Son-in-law (my Husband)  have an amazing bond too, which is all I can ask for really.

Recently, in events beyond my control, he’s been put through the mill a bit.  I worry constantly he’s not OK handling all the stress (even though he tells me he’s fine), and I get so angry with people taking advantage of his good nature.

He never loses it, he never gets angry or takes it out on me or anyone else, he’s always the same Dad to me he has been my whole life.
He’s proud of me and the things I’m doing and achieving.  He’s supportive of my decisions, and advises me when I need him to.  He listens to me while I rant for half an hour about something bugging me, then gives me the bang on the head I need to continue being strong.  His support knows no bounds, and I don’t think he realises just how much he is loved and respected, not just by me but by so many people.

I’m thankful because he’s my Dad.  And I’ll thank whoever or whatever gave me him for the rest of our lives.



So that’s all for today’s ‘thankful for’ post!  Don’t forget you can join in to!
You can go onto my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram or comment at the bottom of this post to join in thinking of something you’re thankful for.  Don’t forget to use the hashtag #MFBthanful so I can find you easily too!


Xx MFB  xX

Social Anxiety-Today I Win


This morning after a night of no sleep, thanks to a pulled muscle from teaching my kids how to do a headstand (don’t ask), I felt I had a very good reason not to take my son to a friends party he’d been invited to.  I felt I should find a reason not to go, because that’s what I always do.  Welcome to the beautiful world of social anxiety.

Let me mention here, if you don’t know much about social anxiety, it’s basically full of people making plans with you, inviting you or your children somewhere, you saying yes, then on the day, finding any excuse you can, not to go!
You could really want to go to the thing you’ve been invited to, but, as the day looms and the anxiety kicks in, the little niggling feeling you have about going gets worse.

Today, the niggling feeling was telling me not to force myself to be in a situation I’m in every day.  I have to go to the school every morning, and now the nursery too.  I have no choice, my kids need to go.  Today I had a choice-not to force myself to go, resulting in; (to name a few of the delightful symptoms that plague me daily) heart palpitations, horrible tummy cramps, feeling nauseous, hot flushes, panicky feelings-that start at the bottom of my body and work all the way up until I feel like I can’t breathe, bringing me on to-shortness of breath, and, my favourite, the urge to run, hide and cry in a corner.

Now, I suffer from social anxiety on a daily basis, so these feelings are pretty normal for me-I always say if it wasn’t for my children I probably wouldn’t ever leave the house.  Thankfully for me, I do have them to keep me going and get my butt moving every day, but today, I had a ready made excuse to not go-the neck pain!

At 11:30 this morning,  and hour before we had to leave, I changed my mind.  For several reasons……

My son, almost aged 7, unfortunately doesn’t get a lot of invites to parties.  He’s a lovely kid (and I’m not just saying that because he’s mine), he’s friends with everyone, very polite, well mannered and clever.  So clever in fact, that he now can tell me which of his friends parents don’t like me.  I myself, am a very private person when it comes to speaking with my children about personal grown up matters, which, I would hope, most parents are.  The fact would then remain that he’s come to this conclusion himself, noticing the tension, hearing things said, or not said, as he often asks me why some of his friends mummies don’t talk to me.

I’ve told him some people just don’t get on-sparing him from the detail that I could go into about the sheer hell I’ve faced for the last two and a half years.   In me explaining that, he understands that I’m the reason he doesn’t get invited to things-something his six year old brain doesn’t register as a bad thing yet, but something my 30 year old brain battles with daily, worrying he’ll one day start to resent me, as he gets older, and these issues possibly continue.

For once, he’s been invited to something.  How can I take that away from him because I can’t control my mental health issues?!

Another reason I went, (although one of the reasons I at first didn’t want to go), not one I realised until I was there, were my issues with worrying about what others think of me.

For a little while now, I’ve been slowly battling the nagging feeling I have at every event, social occasion or family get together, that people are judging me.

This, is made no better, by sly little whisperers, who judge everything I do, say (and sometimes, wear).  I think the change came when I attended my first press event in London at the end of last year.  I walked into a room full of people I didn’t know and thought, they’re strangers, they don’t have a preconceived idea of who you are, because they don’t presume to know a stranger they’ve only just met.  Tell them who you are, tell them about yourself, then they can judge on factual information, not hearsay others frequently use against you for their own pleasure.
Slowly, since that day, I’ve honestly started to feel sorry for people, and the way they go about their day, negatively, sadly, nastily, angrily.

I used to be a positive person, and I felt sorry for myself for the negative way I started to conduct myself, when faced with people that dedicated their time to putting me down and belittling me.  Why was I feeling sorry for myself, when the things being said weren’t even true?


I’m a really nice person when you get to know me.  Many years of being battered by dickheads took its toll and I’m not ashamed to say I now take a lot longer to assume someone is my friend.  But I am a really good friend, to those that are good to me.

I’m a good mum, a loving wife, I’m a talented writer, and have been nominated for an award in the last month.  I’m a good daughter, step daughter, and liked family member amongst those that know me properly.

I’ve never acted out of malice (sometimes I plainly just misread situations and people-something I’m learning the hard way to stop doing).

And through all of this-through all my good traits, even through my bad ones, (because I wouldn’t be so stuck up to profess perfection), I’ve realised one massive thing.  One gigantic, stupendous, life changing thing.

I’m happy with who I am.

And those six words, have got me through a fair few school runs, social situations, family get-togethers, and professional events recently.

I won’t be changed, I won’t be beaten.  You can try, and once upon a time you would’ve succeeded-you tried so hard, you’ll never understand the damage you did do-but not any more.

I know who my friends are.  And most importantly I know who I am. And I won’t let those that try and beat me down, those that don’t know me for who i really am, or stupid social anxiety, win, anymore!


For more information on social anxiety, and how to cope with it-see the social anxiety website-here.

Panda Memory Foam Pillow Review

My Panda Life, sent me a memory foam pillow to review!*

Now, for anyone that knows me personally, you’ll know; a) that I don’t sleep well, and b) that I love sleep (when I actually manage to get some that is!)

So, because of this, quite obviously I jumped at the chance to review a pillow!


The pillow I was sent was the Panda Luxury Memory Foam Bamboo Pillow.

This pillow has a triple layer moulded memory foam, and considering I’ve only ever had one layer of memory foam on my pillows, I had a feeling it was going to be pretty nice.  Nice was probably an understatement, because the second I got it out of the box, I could feel just how amazing it was.  Memory foam layers aside, the case in which the pillow itself is in, is just so soft and cooling, the first thing you want to do is lay on it (unless you’re a blogger of course, then the first thing you want to do is take photos of it for your upcoming blog review-then you can lay on it!)

The cover itself is has an antibacterial removable bamboo cover, which is easily removed for washing, and so silky to touch.
The pillow comes with t
emperature regulating technology which keeps the pillow cool in the summer and warm in the winter because of the breathable material of the cover.

I received the parcel containing my pillow in the morning, just as I was getting up, which made the temptation to go back to sleep, with said pillow, rather hard to ignore.  I managed to last until bedtime, when I decided to use just the pillow alone, without any others I usually use.
This turned out to be slightly detrimental to the reviewing process, because, I usually sleep with two pillows, and, because I chose to use just the one, I had an AWFUL nights sleep!

Thankfully, this wasn’t down to the pillow itself, and the following night I realised my mistake, added one of my own pillows underneath the new one, and tested it properly.

I would be the first to hold my hands up and say if it wasn’t working for me-I see no point in dishonesty, and people wasting their money on something that I didn’t truly recommend.  However, this pillow is SO worth the money and much more.  I’ve slept marginally better since I got it, but, the main improvement has been in my neck and back.  I used to have such a bad night, I’d wake up aching and sore the next morning, but since using the pillow I’ve not had one morning of waking up in pain.

Product InformationEnvironmentEasy

Something I know that’s really important to people, especially when buying something used so much, is product material and where it’s sourced.  So, another reason I recommend this pillow, is because it’s made from 100% bamboo fibre, which My Panda Life sourced from Southeast Asia.  Aside from the positive ecological aspects, the fibre was also chosen because of its sustainability and environmental benefits.  Panda products are designed to last, they’re easy to look after, and every item is finished to a really high detail.**

Price Information

I mentioned the money side of this pillow a moment ago, and I can guarantee you’re all thinking about how extortionate this pillow must be!

The pillow is currently priced at £34.99 which in my opinion is so affordable, especially when the pillow is this good!  Additionally though, I currently have a coupon code allowing you to get another 10% off of it, or anything from the online store!  MAYFLOWER
Just us this code at the checkout to take advantage of this discount!!!!!




The pillow also comes with 10 years manufacturer guarantee and 30 night home trial too-so really, what are  you waiting for-head over to My Panda Life and buy one now!!!!


**All Panda products are Oeko-Tex Standard 100 certified.  This global testing and certification system is the strictest in term of cleanliness and purity of products, ensuring they comply with health standards and are safe even for babies.

*Thank you to My Panda Life for the pillow to review!


It’s The Night Before Christmas (a poem for grown-ups)


It’s the night before Christmas, and all through the town,
Parents everywhere are close to break-down.
The stockings were hung earlier that night,
But now they’re back down and not feeling light.

The children are sleeping all warm in their beds,
While Mummy’s lists rattle around in her head.
While Daddy just stands there and looks at the mess,
Wondering what he can do for the best.

And then it is time to bring gifts out from hiding,
Put them all in one room, and begin the dividing.
Make a space for the ‘special’ ones, work out who’s whose,
When it all gets too much, ask the Daddy for booze.

The moon is threatening to turn into the sun,
Daddy bravely asks, are you nearly done?
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
The very last present, the end is so near!

With a tweak and a shuffle, a shove and a squeeze
The presents are balanced, afraid of a breeze.
A mobile is grabbed, a photo is taken
Share to all on Facebook, so no one’s mistaken.

Hey Dasher, Hey Dancer! Oi Prancer and Vixen!
Not sure of the others, maybe there’s Blitzen?
Any of you really, plus an elf would’ve been,
A welcome addition to this festive scene.

All is complete, the room is all ready.
Too much excitement, Mummy is heady!
The scene taken in one more time for effect,
It’s time now for bed, Daddy does not object!

Daddy takes no time at all to drop off,
While Mummy lays stiffly, not daring to cough.
She thinks about cold, winter days, long ago,
When Santa arrived, in his sleigh, through the snow.

His suit was all red, his hair big and curly,
His boots black and shiny, his build-rather burly.
A bundle of Toys he had packed in a sack,
That would sit in the sleigh, on the seat at the back.

His eyes-so enchanting! His face, always smiley!
His cheeks were all rosy, he acted quite shyly.
He ate the mince pie they left out on a plate,
Took the carrots to Rudolph and his reindeer mates.

Then all of a sudden Mummy stops day-dreaming,
The realisation hits, that familiar feeling,
Now it was them, her and Daddy each year,
Filling the children with such festive cheer.

They moan and they pout, through the month of December,
How stressful it was but they wouldn’t remember,
They’d moaned last year too, but on Christmas Day,
It all was forgotten, all gone away.

Yes, they’d done most of it, and yes they were tired,
But the effort put in should be admired.
The children would feel the magic once more,
All stress would be worth it (like the year before).

And now they had made that peace in their heads
They closed their eyes tightly and rested in bed.
To themselves they whispered as their eyes closed up tight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”


Letting Go


When my son was a baby, to get him to sleep and to settle him when he woke up with a cute little frown on his face, we would stroke his head, just at the crease of his eyebrows and he’d settle right back down. 

At the grand old age of 6, I can walk into his bedroom to re-tuck him in of an evening, when he’s fast asleep and he’ll stir, his little brow will furrow as it always has, and I’ll still be able to settle him by stroking between his eyebrows. 

Today-at that grand old age of 6-my boy is venturing into the brand new world of “going to a friends house for tea”. 

Beyond excited, he’s spent the last two days since he was invited by his friend, doing nothing but talking about it, planning it, repeating the things we’ve already discussed, and in general, bouncing around in anticipation. 

In his eyes, Mummy is joining him in this excitement. Every now and again she asks, “how excited are you”, only to be met with wide, happy, cheesy expressions, and more talk of plans that have been made. 

Behind all this, is a mother who is not as excited as he thinks. 

Behind all this, is a mother who is cross with the world for making her son grow up too fast for her liking.

Behind all this, is a mother who is sometimes unbelievably sad, at the day by day difference in her child, her baby-the little boy who once only had eyes for her world and everything she did for him. 

But behind all this, is a mother who knows these things have to happen-to nurture and mature her child-these things must play a part in his upbringing. 

And behind all this, is a mother who, no matter how painful it might be, is having to come to terms with the fact he is growing up, he doesn’t need her as much as he first did, and that, no matter how painful it might feel, it is a good thing. 

He will always be my baby. I suppose I’ve just got to learn to start letting go. 



Just let me rest

“Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.” William Blake

Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE anxiety?

I’m sure I have before. Maybe not in those words but I’m pretty sure you’ve previously got the gist of how I feel on the subject. 

I mean, who would say they liked being an anxiety sufferer? Errrrrm-no one. 

William Blake is quoted in saying we should think in the morning, act in the noon, eat in the evening and sleep at night. 

Although his words were probably not meant to be instructions to everyone, I think, those are the correct things to do, in the right order. 

So what makes an anxiety sufferer unable to do those things in that order?

I have no answers. 

Right this second? I only have one thing. Frustration. 

I’m so sick of laying in bed, night after night, waiting to feel exhausted enough that I can drop off and go to sleep. 

“Just close your eyes and relax” I’ve been told. 

“Empty your mind of all thoughts and you’ll go to sleep easily”, I’ve read. 

I close my eyes and all I see are images of things that need doing, (things that don’t need doing), things that could happen (but things that won’t happen). 

I try to empty my mind of all thoughts and somehow, more enter, and then there’s too many to contend with, so they win!

I’m in pain, my tummy is sore, and while I’m waiting to see a doctor that can actually help me, I’m worrying about how much worse this could get, what I could possibly have, the complications that could arise.

I’m tired. I’m so tired. Physically and mentally. I need a break.
I need rest. 

I need sleep. 

I need to be the old me again.