#Blogtober ~ Day 12 ~ Love

Today is day 12 of Blogtober 2017, and definitely one of the easier themes to write about-Love.

 

I have a lot of loves in my life, not all of them people-some of them things-some of them material, some of them not.
All of them, however, give me the strength and positivity I need to get through even the toughest days. Continue reading “#Blogtober ~ Day 12 ~ Love”

Today I am thankful for…….

Hi my lovelies!

I know, I know-what an odd choice for a blog title.  Well, you’re going to see a lot more of it!
For a long time now I’ve wanted to change the way I look at my life, and the days events that go with it.  Every day, in everyone’s lives there’s stresses, worries, and tons of emotions and negativity, that you tend to focus on a lot more than the positive stuff.

For me, suffering from anxiety disorder and depression, those “positive” days, sometimes seem few and far between.

So I’ve decided to start this series of blogs.  I won’t say I’ll do them every day, but I’ll try to (that’s as good as it’s getting im afraid).

The purpose, is for me to try and focus a little more on what I’m thankful and grateful for each day, rather than moaning constantly about the negative stuff that’s stuck out more.  Also, I’d like to show others, maybe in a similar situation to me, that it really does help, when you have mental health issues, to do things like this.  I’m not saying everyone should start a blog about it all, but even just writing it down at home, or saying it to yourself could help!

Today is Tuesday the 17th of January-and today I’m thankful for the following;

Medicine
I’m full of cold-thanks to my little darlings sharing their lovely germs.  Even though I’m poorly, I still had two nursery runs to do today, and general mum/wife related stuff, so medicine today, has been my friend.   I do believe it’s a life long friendship that I’ll continue every time I have an illness which coincides with loads things I have to do.
Nursery
Olivia, not so long ago, started nursery (as you can read about here-Another New Chapter).

She started going in absolutely fine, then a week in decided it wasn’t for her anymore, and, because she’s only three and still thinks she can rule our lives, as well as hers, she dislikes it very much when I still take her in for her sessions!
Nursery staff are very well aware of this, and take her straight away and calm her almost immediately.  This for me, and my anxious Mummy brain is an absolute godsend.  I know they can deal with her, and that this isn’t forever.
Today was made even better by the fact, an old friend of mine (old as in I’ve known her a while, not old as in age-she’d want me to say that) is now working there, so they both took to each other this morning-making me even more relaxed!

Apple- the makers of the iPad and iPhone
Yes, I went there, and they’re not even sponsoring me to write this!
On a day where I’m spending the majority of my time in bed, but still needing to work and keep in touch with people, these two things have been amazing today.  When I’d finished working, I watched films on my iPad, and really, that’s all that needs to be said.  They keep my life turning, even from my bed.

And finally-leftover turkey from Christmas
OK, so I’m pulling at straws a little for this one, but the one thing that’s made me feel better today (aside from the drugs) is turkey and vegetable soup.  Not just any turkey and vegetable soup-homemade-by-me turkey and vegetable soup.  It was made last month, the day after Boxing Day, in my slow cooker, and frozen into 8 batches for the foreseeable future.  It’d almost as if I knew there would come a day my body was screaming out for good food, and those batches would serve me well.  Thank god for massive turkeys at Christmas that don’t get eaten.

So there you have it-that was me finding the positives in my day when there were so many negatives I could’ve focused on.

Now it’s your turn.  Why don’t you think of just one thing (you can do as many as you like but try one first) you’re thankful for today.  And, if you fancy it, add it onto here as a comment, or on your social media platforms, tag me in them (look to the right for my social media links), and use the hashtag #MFBthankful.

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She is mine

 

I’ve been deliberating for ages about not only writing this blog post, but publishing it too.

I feel a little abnormal, and that I might end up regretting admitting something so personal, that people may find odd.  So this blog basically started as a draft post, just for me to write my feelings down.

 

It’s only after speaking with a friend today, and explaining to her the reason I write is to stop people feeling alone and having common ground in what they’re going through, that I think there might be others in the situation I’m in.

 

SO here goes…….

You know when someone shares something on Facebook that basically says “do you ever look at your child and can’t believe you made them?” (or something along those lines).

That’s how I felt with my son, that’s how I still feel about him.  I know he’s mine, I’ve never felt any differently, I look at him and there’s no doubt in my mind, no niggle in my messed up brain that thinks otherwise.

 

My daughter however, I feel differently about.

I’m not sure if it’s the miscarriages, the recurrent losses and heartache I faced each time I lost another baby.  Maybe it’s the detachment of feeling, that came from worrying constantly about the pregnancy with my daughter, my fifth pregnancy.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying-I love her with all of my being, my children are my entire world and more, but sometimes, I look at her, and think, “I don’t feel like you’re mine”.  “I don’t feel like you belong to me”.

It’s always a fleeting thought, and it’s over in seconds, with my subconscious convincing me that she obviously is mine.  That I pushed all 9lb 2.5oz of her chubby body out of my lady parts, that I have been with her every day since the day she was born, nurturing her, teaching her and loving her.

She is mine, she looks like me, acts like me, speaks like me.  She needs me, loves me, and when it’s just us, I am her person, her ‘go to’ and comfort.

For some reason, all those rational thoughts go out of the window every now and again, when I look at my beautiful little girl and think “you can’t be mine”.

recurrent
I know it’s denial, but lets be serious here, denial for over 3 years is pretty huge.  

It’s just another effect left over from the utter trauma and devastation I went through when going through my miscarriages.  It’s the denial I felt every time I not only fell pregnant, but when I lost the babies, then when I kept hitting milestone after milestone, seeing scan after scan, with my daughter.  I convinced myself she wouldn’t be mine, just like the others, and from that, comes this long term denial I’m now stuck with.

I’m confident I won’t feel like this forever, and am thankful that it doesn’t affect our bond or the extent of my love for her, but its another thing to remind me how let down I was following my miscarriages, from the lack of aftercare and help I received, and that’s something that will be harder to move on from, for a long long time.

 

 

For support and information-go over to Tommy’s and The Miscarriage Association websites.

 

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