#Blogtober17 ~ Day 10 ~ Joke

Today is day 10 of Blogtober 2017, and the theme today is ‘Joke’.

 

As a blogger, regardless of how I describe what I do, and how I spend my time, I still end up being treated as a joke.

I know, I know, you didn’t expect to come over to today’s Blogtober post and read this did you!

But it’s true-I genuinely am treated and thought of as a joke. Continue reading “#Blogtober17 ~ Day 10 ~ Joke”

All About You – #Blogtober17 – Day 1

Hello-and welcome to the first day of #Blogtober17!  If you didn’t catch my Facebook post yesterday, then you may not have the first idea about what’s happening right now.

Blogtober is basically a-blog-a-day!  I’ll be blogging about a variety of random subjects, every day throughout this month-but don’t worry-there will still be the usual reviews and ramblings of my mind!

Today’s theme, as the title suggests, is, All About You. (Which is All About ME!)

Continue reading “All About You – #Blogtober17 – Day 1”

Social Anxiety-Today I Win

 

This morning after a night of no sleep, thanks to a pulled muscle from teaching my kids how to do a headstand (don’t ask), I felt I had a very good reason not to take my son to a friends party he’d been invited to.  I felt I should find a reason not to go, because that’s what I always do.  Welcome to the beautiful world of social anxiety.

Let me mention here, if you don’t know much about social anxiety, it’s basically full of people making plans with you, inviting you or your children somewhere, you saying yes, then on the day, finding any excuse you can, not to go!
You could really want to go to the thing you’ve been invited to, but, as the day looms and the anxiety kicks in, the little niggling feeling you have about going gets worse.

Today, the niggling feeling was telling me not to force myself to be in a situation I’m in every day.  I have to go to the school every morning, and now the nursery too.  I have no choice, my kids need to go.  Today I had a choice-not to force myself to go, resulting in; (to name a few of the delightful symptoms that plague me daily) heart palpitations, horrible tummy cramps, feeling nauseous, hot flushes, panicky feelings-that start at the bottom of my body and work all the way up until I feel like I can’t breathe, bringing me on to-shortness of breath, and, my favourite, the urge to run, hide and cry in a corner.

Now, I suffer from social anxiety on a daily basis, so these feelings are pretty normal for me-I always say if it wasn’t for my children I probably wouldn’t ever leave the house.  Thankfully for me, I do have them to keep me going and get my butt moving every day, but today, I had a ready made excuse to not go-the neck pain!


At 11:30 this morning,  and hour before we had to leave, I changed my mind.  For several reasons……

My son, almost aged 7, unfortunately doesn’t get a lot of invites to parties.  He’s a lovely kid (and I’m not just saying that because he’s mine), he’s friends with everyone, very polite, well mannered and clever.  So clever in fact, that he now can tell me which of his friends parents don’t like me.  I myself, am a very private person when it comes to speaking with my children about personal grown up matters, which, I would hope, most parents are.  The fact would then remain that he’s come to this conclusion himself, noticing the tension, hearing things said, or not said, as he often asks me why some of his friends mummies don’t talk to me.

I’ve told him some people just don’t get on-sparing him from the detail that I could go into about the sheer hell I’ve faced for the last two and a half years.   In me explaining that, he understands that I’m the reason he doesn’t get invited to things-something his six year old brain doesn’t register as a bad thing yet, but something my 30 year old brain battles with daily, worrying he’ll one day start to resent me, as he gets older, and these issues possibly continue.

For once, he’s been invited to something.  How can I take that away from him because I can’t control my mental health issues?!

Another reason I went, (although one of the reasons I at first didn’t want to go), not one I realised until I was there, were my issues with worrying about what others think of me.

For a little while now, I’ve been slowly battling the nagging feeling I have at every event, social occasion or family get together, that people are judging me.

This, is made no better, by sly little whisperers, who judge everything I do, say (and sometimes, wear).  I think the change came when I attended my first press event in London at the end of last year.  I walked into a room full of people I didn’t know and thought, they’re strangers, they don’t have a preconceived idea of who you are, because they don’t presume to know a stranger they’ve only just met.  Tell them who you are, tell them about yourself, then they can judge on factual information, not hearsay others frequently use against you for their own pleasure.
Slowly, since that day, I’ve honestly started to feel sorry for people, and the way they go about their day, negatively, sadly, nastily, angrily.

I used to be a positive person, and I felt sorry for myself for the negative way I started to conduct myself, when faced with people that dedicated their time to putting me down and belittling me.  Why was I feeling sorry for myself, when the things being said weren’t even true?

 

I’m a really nice person when you get to know me.  Many years of being battered by dickheads took its toll and I’m not ashamed to say I now take a lot longer to assume someone is my friend.  But I am a really good friend, to those that are good to me.

I’m a good mum, a loving wife, I’m a talented writer, and have been nominated for an award in the last month.  I’m a good daughter, step daughter, and liked family member amongst those that know me properly.

I’ve never acted out of malice (sometimes I plainly just misread situations and people-something I’m learning the hard way to stop doing).

And through all of this-through all my good traits, even through my bad ones, (because I wouldn’t be so stuck up to profess perfection), I’ve realised one massive thing.  One gigantic, stupendous, life changing thing.

I’m happy with who I am.

And those six words, have got me through a fair few school runs, social situations, family get-togethers, and professional events recently.

I won’t be changed, I won’t be beaten.  You can try, and once upon a time you would’ve succeeded-you tried so hard, you’ll never understand the damage you did do-but not any more.

I know who my friends are.  And most importantly I know who I am. And I won’t let those that try and beat me down, those that don’t know me for who i really am, or stupid social anxiety, win, anymore!

Xxx

For more information on social anxiety, and how to cope with it-see the social anxiety website-here.

Missing:Female Solidarity

girlscompete


Not so long ago, I was verbally attacked from out of the blue, without provocation of the other person, via a well known social network.

The person attacking me?  A fellow woman.

Her words have played on my mind since I received the messages, not because I’m hurt by them, but because slowly, I’m losing my faith in womanhood and solidarity amongst other women.

Most days I find myself on the other end of a fellow females harsh words or opinions on my life choices, my appearance, the friends I choose, and even my past decisions or life choices!

I’m not going to go into detail about what was said, because I’ve come to realise, she doesn’t deserve the exposure.

Instead, I will say, to the women who feel the need to bring themselves down to a level so low, that they berate others for things that should never be used to define people, you have absolutely no place in the society I think we need.

Since dealing with people thinking they can throw hurtful comments around, I have noticed, slowly, but surely, the different cliques and groups of girls hating girls are having the tables turned by those they’re choosing as their “next victims”.

 

More and more I’m seeing, groups forming wherever I go, and the victims these people choose to take their issues out on, are forming their own groups.

These are not groups of people who want to take others down, but who plainly share their stories, who share their hurt and damage they’ve received from others.

If this is how life is to continue, if we’re to live knowing at any point we could be subjected to abuse and character assassinations, sometimes by people that don’t even know us, I will pin my hopes on the victims of these verbal attacks, taking over.  Not to do harm but to show how in the end, there is still female solidarity in the world.

 

b37503d07a29c431db7aa3860556d7ce

 

I will bring my daughter up, exactly how I was brought up, being empowered by fellow human beings, especially strong, independent women, no matter what they wear, how they look, or what choices they decide to make with regards to their lives.

Women should empower women.

Women should support women.

Solidarity amongst women should never be jeopardised or squandered.

strong-women

 

Please remember this blog, for the people it stands up for, and for the people it stands against.

 

Signing off,

One Woman

x

 

Being a SAHM

Not that long ago, a friend of mine who’s a nurse, said she didn’t know how I did what I did, being at home with my children day in day out. Obviously my response was that I couldn’t do her job, having people’s lives in your hands every day and worrying about remembering all the training etc. 

It did get me thinking though, how hard a job this “stay at home mummy” lark can be. 

Obviously it’s not half as challenging as some peoples actual jobs.  But it still is challenging, just on a very different level. 

My daily routine isn’t the same all the time. I take my son to school 5 days a week, sometimes on my own because his Daddy is on a later shift, so he can watch the littlest one. Sometimes I take her with us. Now, it’s a challenge in itself making sure my son doesn’t leave the house looking like he’s been dragged through a hedge. But to then have to convince an almost 2 year old who thinks she’s 5, to let me get her dressed and do her hair (when she thinks she can do it herself) and then persuade her to get into the buggy, while simultaneously looking at the clock hoping we’re not going to be late, makes it all a little bit of a challenge first thing in the morning. 

Once the eldest child is at school, I have a quick tidy, throw lots of things into a slow cooker for dinner and start my daughters daily routine of puzzles, games, craft, TV time, lunch and sometimes nap time (when she feels like it of course), then collecting her brother. 

To be honest, these are the days I like the most. The routine, the control etc. As an anxiety sufferer, I need control and routine to help me through each day so it’s perfect in the weekdays when it’s just us. 

The information above explaining my day to day life with the children doesn’t sound too bad. But there are days when I am not ashamed to say I struggle. 

As mentioned before, my nearly 2 year old thinks she’s 5. She has been having her “terrible 2 tantrums” for the best part of 6 months. 

As she’s growing she’s becoming  more communicative, so understanding why she’s not allowed to do certain things (not that it stops her most of the time), and why she ends up on the naughty spot. 

Even with the new found communication however, she’s still very defiant and very challenging. 

As for my 5 year old. He thinks he’s 13 (when do they actually act their own age?)

His behaviour over the summer holiday period, rivalled “Damien”. At some points I didn’t even recognise my own son-he was not the child I’ve tried to raise to be good, polite and loving. Add this to the fact I did the majority of the summer holidays, alone, with both children, and some of it while unwell, drained was probably a massive understatement of how I felt.

Some days I feel like the luckiest person on earth. I have these amazing little people, that I grew, taught and continue to love, support and care for. 

Other days I feel like the luckiest most tired, drained person in the world. Although I have these little people, that are my absolute world, and who I couldn’t be without, I struggle. 

I miss mummy time. So much so, I go to my bedroom at 7 each evening just for the quiet.

I miss adult conversation. So much so, as soon as my husband calls while on a break, or walks through the door, I don’t stop talking. He switches off the majority of the time, and rushes the phone calls during the day so he can go back to work. I find myself thinking, you don’t know how hard it is-even though I know his job is so much harder than anything that happens to me at home.  Sometimes the only thing I need is adult conversation and support in what I do and how I do it. 

I get bored of the housework and washing. So much so, when I’ve finished the baskets of dirty laundry and put the clean away, I feel the need to celebrate in some way (usually with biscuits or cake-so that’s why those pounds having been adding themselves into the scales!)

I’m worried about my brain. This may sound silly, but I’m seriously concerned for my mind. I could quite easily sit an exam, or win every specialist round on ‘Mastermind’, by answering questions on Cbeebies.  But I want to learn! I enjoy learning, studying and writing. Blogging is my way of keeping my brain active but sometimes I want/need so much more!

All these things, the issues I have with being a SAHM, the amount of time spent, energy used, tears cried and time wished away, are completely outweighed most days, by laughter heard, time spent with these precious little people, memories made, moments of pride and those moments when you don’t think you could love anyone more. 

My life is my children. My children are my life. I couldn’t be without them. Being a SAHM is the biggest privilege I could ask for.