At the grand old age of 29, I can easily look back on my adult life so far and see how much I’ve done, and how much I’ve been through.
I think, however it’s fair to say one of the hardest decisions I’ve made is to not have anymore children.
I’ve not had surgery to get my ‘tubes tied’ or to get ‘sterilised’. I’ve just made a decision that I know I’ll never change.
While the women in mine and my husbands family are falling pregnant now and having babies in the near future, I’m about to get rid of the cot both my children slept in. The thought of which fills me with such depression that I can see why people DO change their minds about having more.
My reasons for not having more?
Well for starters I get so sick with pregnancy. With my son I had no one else to look after so it didn’t make much of a dent in my life. With his sister I had him to look after. I went through his 4th birthday and the months following not remembering things I’d done, not spending time with him-basically living in my bedroom sleeping and being sick, while he ate his meals and watched DVDs in bed with me. What kind of life is that for a pre-schooler?!
Also, between having my son and daughter I lost three babies trying for our second. I couldn’t put myself, my husband or our families through that again.
So those are my main reasons for not wanting anymore. I cannot and will not put my children through any of that, especially now my son has school and my daughter will be going to nursery in the near future.
Other reasons are the usual you hear from other people who’ve made the same decision, I think.
Money. I cannot afford another child. It would mean buying a new car. We have no money for a new car. One of the children would have to share a room in our lovely new house we have only just moved into! Or we’d have to move again. Which we can’t afford!
Ironically after making the decision to not have anymore children, all I’ve done since is want more children-even dreaming about being pregnant last night.
It’s never going to happen. I can’t outweigh the negatives with positives and that, to me, speaks volumes.
It doesn’t, however, make other people having babies any easier to deal with.
I liken it to having my miscarriages. The women around me were popping babies out while I couldn’t keep mine growing. Now, when I’m done with having them, people are still popping them out. But this time people aren’t as sympathetic. Previously, people would say “it’ll be your turn soon.” Now it’s “well you could have one if you wanted one.” While, in-laws are saying “well never say never”, friends are saying “you’re still young, you might change your mind.”
I know I never will-and that seems to be such a final decision, my struggling to come to terms with it, seems like a natural thing to battle with. I hope it is, and I hope one day I’ll find peace with the decision I’ve made.
For now, I’m going to enjoy my babies and the little complete family we have.
It’s time to face facts, stand up for the decision I’ve made for the reasons I’ve made them, and enjoy what’s to come in the future. ❤️