Yesterday I received an email from a fellow blogger, asking me to run her story of her feelings following her second miscarriage.
Right now, she’s unable to blog her feelings herself, not wanting her family to know her current situation. Some may find this unusual. but in actual fact its really normal to want to keep that anonymity, especially when the initial news of an impending pregnancy wasn’t announced.
Here’s her story;
More and more I am wondering “What If?”
What if things had been different?
What if I had carried my baby to term?
Today would have seen me reaching the 36th week of my pregnancy.
And, as my due date draws ever nearer, I am filled with the pain and emotions of my loss.
I am constantly wondering why.
Why did it have to be this way?
I didn’t want any more children.
My family was already complete.
We were happy the way we were.
But even though it wasn’t planned, the news of my pregnancy filled me with SO much joy.
And also fear.
How would we cope?
How would my family and friends react?
I already have a large family, and the response from others was likely to be one of disappointment and a chorus of “You’re pregnant? AGAIN??”
The fear was crippling.
The idea of having another baby, starting again when my other children were all about to be in full time education, the sleepless nights, etc.
But then there was the love.
The very idea of this beautiful little baby, completely innocent and pure.
Growing inside of me.
Just waiting to be born, and loved, and cherished.
Today I would have been 36 weeks pregnant.
But I am not.
Instead, at 11 weeks gestation, my baby died.
No longer growing.
No longer mine.
And all that was left…. IS left…. is pain.
Guilt for being afraid of other people’s reactions.
Guilt for not rejoicing in our news and sharing it sooner.
It would have been hard, but it would also have been perfect.
We would have adjusted.
We would be getting ready to welcome our baby and celebrate the life he or she had ahead of them.
Instead, we never had the chance to share our news.
And so I suffer alone.
This is my second loss.
But, for reasons unknown, it has affected me a lot more than my first.
Perhaps it is because the news was only our own.
Our baby had not been shared with anyone else.
The next few weeks are going to be incredibly difficult.
The tears keep on falling.
And the pain will always be there.