Over the last few months, slowly my Mental Health issues have improved.
Let’s not get confused-I’m not cured-far from it! What I have done, is gradually accept the person I now am.
For so long, I fought so hard-against what my brain was telling me, against how I felt. I hated the person I was, I hated who the Anxiety had made me.
I blamed myself, and my issues, for everything. The reason the housework wasn’t done. The reason I hadn’t seen anyone outside of my house for weeks. The reason people weren’t wanting to be around me anymore. I was having “down days“, “dark days“, “bad Anxiety days“. Everything I did, every thing I had become, was blamed on Anxiety.
Anxiety was to blame. And PTSD was to blame for that. Losing three babies and having no Mental Health aftercare was to blame for that. The list of things to blame for this one Mental Health issue, goes on and on-I’m a psychiatrists field day!
I can’t explain what changed, or when it changed. I can only tell you what I have come to realise now.
As a blogger, the realisation that I’m actually good at something-something I truly love doing, and get complimented on often, has helped massively. I know I can write-and as an outlet for everything going through my silly old brain, regardless of whether it makes it to the website or not, really aids my recovery from those “dark days“.
6 months ago, I wouldn’t have left the house without having some form of Anxiety attack. Now I’m attending press nights in a busy theatre, filled with people. I talk to strangers, and I write my reviews, knowing others will read them.
Yes I’m still anxious about any negativity that may come from my writing, or worried a stranger that I speak to may not like me-but it doesn’t stop me anymore.
6 months ago, I couldn’t have imagined travelling to London alone, or anywhere really. Yet, I’ve now lost count of the amount of times I’ve made it to the big city, remarking on how stupid I felt about the Anxiety attack I’d had earlier in the day. It’s not stupid-it’s normal for me. But actually, every time that has happened, a little bit of strength has found its way back to me-giving anxiety a tiny kick and saying “we did it, we beat you”.
6 months ago, I wouldn’t dare send an email pitching my blog to companies, to ask them to work with me, for fear of a nasty reply, (or no reply), and that horrible feeling of rejection I was always so worried of getting.
Now, I pitch most days, and yes, people are rude, and yes, people are ignorant, but surrounding those who are ignorant and rude, there are a handful of people, complimenting my work, saying yes straight away, based on my website and blogs, and giving me opportunities I wouldn’t have got without pitching.
2 months ago, I wouldn’t have dared to do anything in my local area that would shine a light on me. Knowing people are so close, and may judge me to my face, would’ve prevented me even writing about my local area anonymously. Yet here I am, writing for my local news website, thankful for another opportunity someone gave me that enables me to do even more of what I love.
There was a time, when I didn’t recognise who I was. When people seemed to be friends with me to make their lives look better. When misery loved company-and I was that company.
There were times, when I’d spend days crying, wishing I was someone else. Wondering where everything had gone so wrong.
Now, there are times, when I’m thankful for those who left when they did-to those who showed me, being around them was hindering my growth as a person.
Now there are times, when I don’t cry for weeks, and actually, I wonder why I ever let Anxiety take over my life so much.
As I said previously-I’m in no way cured. I’m just learning to accept what has happened to me-to accept who I now am, and roll with it, rather than fight it. Those “dark days” will still come. Those “down days” will still take over. Just not as often, and not as brutally as they first did.
I know it’s not easy, but if you’re feeling the way I did, the way I still do sometimes, accept it, grow from it.
Write that pitch, send that letter, make that phone call, dump those that don’t accept you-that can’t be there for you, find your happy and roll with it……
Me in London on my own, after an anxiety attack on the train, giving Anxiety a kick, and treating myself to a walk up Primrose Hill.
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