definition: a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
self-assurance, self-confidence, self-reliance, belief in oneself, faith in oneself, positiveness, assertiveness, self-possession, nerve, poise, aplomb, presence of mind, level-headedness, cool-headedness, firmness, courage, boldness, mettle, fortitude
There you have it-the true definition of confidence, and something I can truly say I don’t have much of.
I thought I’d write this blog, because throughout my life, it has become apparent people deem traits of my personality as confidence-and genuinely believe I’m lying when I say I have none.
So many times someone has said to me “Oh, but you come across as so self assured and confident”, when what they really should be saying is, “Oh you talk a lot, and have quite a loud voice so I thought you were confident”.
It’s true-anyone who knows me personally, will know I can talk the hind legs of a donkey-I’m an absolute chatty Cathy, and can pretty much make a conversation start from absolutely nothing. However, this is with people I know, and are comfortable around-so if I’ve talked your ear off in my 31 years, chances are I felt comfortable around you.
However, I don’t have the confidence to walk into a room full of strangers, and start a conversation with a random person – I have social anxiety, and walking into a room filled with people I don’t know is bad enough for my brain to stop me talking.
Another side of all of this, is that I talk too much when in new situations or when nervous, and often find myself at home, panicking about something I said earlier in the day or week-even something as small as saying an extra sentence when I didn’t need to fill the silence. I’ll over analyse it to the point I’m sat cringing at my own conversation, and wishing I could go back and not talk at all.
Trust is something I have a massive issue with-because I share too much, I leave myself vulnerable to being judged once a friendship or relationship turns sour.
Confidence is something that needs to be built up-be that by a stranger complimenting me on my parenting while I’m out, or by a friend who thanks me for their help.
We all seem to think ego’s don’t need boosting, but in fact, that’s exactly what they need!
I know what people think of me when they meet me-I’m brash, overconfident, loud and overly chatty. What they don’t know is that those things are my coping techniques. Ask yourself would you rather me come across in that way, or fall at your feet in a heap of terror and embarrassment, because that’s what I’m sure would happen if I didn’t fake confidence.
I watch my children, who are confident, brash and loud, and I know it’s genuine in their young lives-I also hope that it never leaves them, because I never had it, not around friends anyway, and I don’t think I can now ever have it-especially not enough to make a mark on the world like I think my children could.
So if you do ever meet me, or have met me in the past-and you’ve mistaken my “confidence” for confidence (and you don’t like it so much), please understand that it’s just my way of coping. I’m definitely no where near confident, and I cringe at myself just as much as you probably do.
To the few who accept me for who I am, and understand why I am how I am, thank you.