I don’t love easily.
I don’t mean in the “being in love” sense, I mean loving friends, getting to know people, liking them as your friendship moves along, relying on them for things, letting them rely on you.
I’m a very paranoid person, I pretty much second guess everything I do, and everything everyone else does. I worry about how I’ll be perceived, what people think of how I look, how I dress, how I act.
And through years of being like that, I try constantly to change. I try so hard to be who each person I come into contact with, wants me to be. Because if they don’t like me for the person I’m trying to be, it’s not as bad as them not liking me for who I truly am.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fake to every single person I know and speak to! To those closest to me, I open my true self up, and hope so much that they’ll like me.
Those people however, are few.
As I’ve got older, I thought I would change a little, relax a bit, and show my truer self to more people. I wanted to gain the attitude, “if they don’t like me for who I am, then they’re not worth knowing”. But in all honesty, its just not that easy.
Every time I put myself out there, allow people to know all about me, to know who I truly am, I seem to get shit on, from a very big height.
Sometimes it’s my mistake! Sometimes I’ve just been a very big idiot when judging someones character. Other times, someone shows me who they are, and I assume that’s the real them. Then, months (years sometimes) later, the real them comes out and I’m left feeling like I not only wasted that time, but misplaced my trust, and that’s harder than anything else.
I don’t think you ever truly learn how to read people and trust them implicitly, no matter how old you are. You just put yourself out there and hope you’re good enough.
And as hard as I try, I just don’t think I’m one of those people who is good enough.
For now, I’ll try and focus on those in my life I
know think that I know, and hope I’ve not made another friendship I’ll end up regretting……