The day I told your Nanna I was expecting you, she placed her hands on my tummy and tried her hardest to smile. She knew that even though she’d never meet you, she’d still be part of your world. Since that day, I’ve always said you’re blessed by her and looked after by her from heaven.
Yesterday afternoon, you became so poorly, I honestly didn’t think I could do this anymore.
By doing this, I mean being your mummy.
For a split second, the overwhelming urge I felt, was to let Daddy take you to hospital, and for me to stay home with your sister, because I genuinely didn’t think my heart could cope watching you be so poorly.
Who was I kidding really? As if I’d just leave you to go with anyone but me. I watched for 10 hours, as you drifted in and out of sleep, so weak and quiet and unlike the boy we know.
Your little body shaking, your skin so pale, your little face wincing when you moved because your head and body hurt so much.
My heart hurt when they told me that you’d have to have a blood test.
You’ve never had one before and I knew how unbelievably scared you were from the minute the doctor said those words.
I wanted to tell you that it was ok, you didn’t need it-I wanted to stop them putting the numbing cream on, and take you home to snuggle with me like you wanted to.
But I told you we had to do it or they wouldn’t let you home and when they did it, you joked with your favourite nurse about how you’d assumed it hadn’t even happened yet and that you didn’t feel a thing.
For 10 hours I sat at your beside (or on your bed) staring at your features. Every freckle, every mark, looking to see if I could find a reason as to why you were so poorly. At some points, when on my own with you, I just wanted to cry and scream and tell you to get better so we could go home. Instead I told you funny things to keep you calm. And ignored the anxious knot in my tummy.
Daddy came and got cross because the results from your tests were taking so long to come back. I didn’t care. I told Daddy I’d stay all week if it meant you were ok.
When we finally got let home, I lay awake all night and checked on you constantly.
I know you hate being woken up but I just had to make sure you were ok.
And you are. Well you’re not better yet, but you’re home, and you’re ok here. You don’t want to leave my side, you want the snuggles you thought you were getting yesterday-and I need them too.
I live my life for you and your sister, and will look after you for the rest of my life-and Nanna is still looking after you my brave boy-as I hope she always will.