Do you ever feel like you’re being beaten? Beaten by something that’s basically “all in your head”?!
This week (and month if I’m honest) has been a really hard one with my anxiety and depression.
Nothing major has happened, but little things have cropped up, and, instead of those things going over my head like they should do, they seem to have affected me more than ever.
I’m suddenly at a stage where I just want rid of it all-the anxiety attacks have changed their symptoms, and I’ve been toying with starting medication-something I never wanted to do.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve changed a lot this last couple of months . I aimed to make 2017 a positive one, attempting to focus on the good things that happen rather than the bad.
I’m doing well, I’m in a much better place than I was this time last year.
I’m more confident, which is a massive thing for me. I’ll never think I’m anything special (mainly because I’m not), but, I know I’m good at something for once, and compliments I continue to be given remind me of that.
I’m busy! This may seem like a negative to some, but due to my social anxiety, and lack of confidence, making plans and socialising eluded me for a while.
Blogging has taken me places I never thought I’d go, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I have these opportunities-they’re one of the main things that keep me going.
For all the positives I find, the negatives start creeping back in, especially when my mental health is as bad as it has been.
Recent events have shown me how alone I am, and I never thought I’d feel alone!
Of course I have the children-and as I always mention in these sort of blogs, they’re what get me out of bed in the morning.
And I have my husband. But recently, him working random hours, with seemingly little down time, alongside me going straight out to events some evenings, has left me feeling a little “single”.
I don’t have a Mum, someone I can go and see for advice or a shoulder to cry on (she’s not dead, see HERE for why I don’t have a ‘Mum’).
My Dad lives 20-30 minutes away (dependent on what transport I use), and, although I know he’s on the end of the phone or at the end of that journey to see him, he has his own life too, and I don’t always feel like I can burden him with my stuff.
I don’t have many friends. This has never been much of an issue for me-I prefer a smaller group (less people to get my hopes up they’re going to stick around). But the ones I do/did have are even starting to dwindle now.
I’m a great believer in “those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind”. If people don’t want to be in my life anymore that’s fine, but I now can’t help feeling like I’ve gone through life wasting my time on people that aren’t going to last.
Sometimes I just don’t feel like I have anyone. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world, and it’s the one thing I currently keep going back to.
I’m just lost sometimes on how to fight these invisible illnesses, and how to shake the feelings that engulf my every day moments.
I keep fighting. I keep going. I keep hoping.