Today, as 9 o clock came around, I realised I was, for the first time in almost 7 years, child free.
There were no children waiting for me at home, no babies growing in my tummy to plan for-there was just a house, a treasure trove of memories and reminders that they’re not here.
I’ll wish away the next 6 hours, and people will ask me why-why didn’t you just come home and enjoy the quiet?
Why didn’t you think of all the time you’d have for you now?
And I’ll say-because I was put on this earth to be their Mummy. I don’t know anything else-I don’t remember my life, or living, before I had them.
How can you enjoy that?
When they’re not with me, it’s like something has got hold of me. A choking panicking sensation. Not an overwhelming one that I’m always aware of, but a dull feeling in the back of my mind, the pit of my stomach, the tip of my tongue, just waiting for its chance to take over.
Maybe in a few months, I will enjoy it. Maybe I’ll have my own little routines on the days they’re not here.
Maybe I’ll be a better person, stronger and more organised.
Maybe I won’t even remember feeling like this.
But right now, it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other and get home. Because each step takes me further away from my babies.
6 hours and counting……