The Day I Realised I’m Not Ready To Be Alone

A couple of weeks ago,  saw the panicked posts and messages between anxious parents, waiting on their child’s school admission emails.

I was one of those parents-eagerly awaiting an email to tell me my Daughter had got into our only choice school-her Brother’s current school.  We kind of knew it was a done deal, but as the minutes/hours ticked by, doubt crept in-what if we were really that unlucky and we didn’t get her in!

The email came, and thankfully she received her place-we were all thrilled (she was so excited that she screamed for three minutes, then made up a song about the school while playing her ukulele).

The day after we received the email, I was straight to the office at the school, giving in all the forms/proof of address letters that were needed, eager to make sure nothing took this opportunity away from her.

It was then that I discussed with one of the lovely office staff, Olivia attending the school’s nursery, in order to help her transition from her current off site nursery into the school, before September.

We agreed to pop her in for Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, which are the days she’s not at her other nursery-and I walked home, feeling super lucky that people are so kind to us, and give us lovely opportunities to benefit our family.

When I got home, I realised that it could mean she’d be starting the following week, so checked the calendar and diary to check she had nothing else on.
Unfortunately, for the next month, she’s pretty busy (obviously she has a better social life than me at her small age).  It didn’t make sense her starting this term, because her time there would be so intermittent, I knew, knowing her as I do, she wouldn’t benefit from the short time-I actually believe it would’ve made her worse.


So I made a decision to ask if she could start the following term-the last seven weeks of this school year.
Happy with my decision, I waited for the call-then the doubt crept in.  I knew of another two Thursday’s that she wouldn’t be able to attend in those seven weeks.  I also knew they’d be wrapping up the term, and friendships would also have been formed long ago between the pupils, and she’d look and feel like an outsider.
I realised, actually, this wasn’t the best move for her.  And I felt…..relieved.

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I didn’t know that that’s how I was going to feel about it-until that decision came to me-I thought I was ready for her to go to school.  I’ve been so excited for her to start in September, I hadn’t thought there would be an issue about that start being a few months earlier.

I was relieved though, really-eyes-filling-with-tears relief.

It was then I realised, I’m not actually ready to be alone-I’m not ready to let her go, just yet.

I’m unsure if it’s because she’s our last baby, our last little one leaving nursery-or maybe, because she’s always had to share me with her older Brother, when he had me to himself-maybe that makes me feel like I haven’t had enough time with her yet-not just ‘us’ anyway.


Maybe I won’t even be ready in September-this reaction to it happening now may be exactly the same in five months time-but I’m hoping preparing myself gradually may help (although I already wobbled thinking about her “graduation photos and assembly” today).


Whatever happens, I’ll get through it-just like we get through every big change in our lives-it may take me a little more time than I’d anticipated, and I may not be as OK about the situation as I made out I was-but at least I know that now.

For now, it’s time for some more ‘us’ time-before I’m home alone with only you, my lovely readers for company (no pressure there guys!)


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