For a long time, it was just me and Kye-two little besties-a Mother and her Son-the two of us spending every day together while Daddy worked.
We attended playgroups, met up with other Mummy’s and their little ones, and most importantly-we made incredible memories that will stay with me forever.
Personally, I look back on time with Kye and also remember how he got me through my darkest days-at 18 months old, unbeknown to him, his Mummy was going through the first of three miscarriages, and I can honestly say, I know I’d have fallen apart without him.
When Kye was three-and-a-half, our little rainbow, Olivia-May entered our world, and, for a year, it was the three of us (four when Daddy had days off of work obviously).
Kye would go to nursery three days a week, and mine and Olivia’s day would revolve around taking him in and picking him up.
When Kye started school, nothing really changed-I obviously didn’t know at the time, but mental health issues, that at the time were un-diagnosed, were preventing me from being as sociable as I used to be. So to me, staying in and only occasionally seeing friends, was pretty normal.
As Olivia grew, my mental health issues were diagnosed and brought as under control as they could be, and the impending date of Olivia starting nursery was on it’s way.
I became really aware of not spending enough time with Liv on my own, because I knew that our time together would be halved when she started nursery.
I began putting a proper effort into days out with her, feeling guilty that I’d not done it sooner-but promising myself to make up for it.
Soon, the guilt of not spending enough time with her went away-unfortunately only to be replaced with another guilt-this time because I was missing Kye out of my memory making with Olivia.
I’ve got so many photos and memories of time spent with Kye, and I know as well as anyone that Olivia needs those photos and memories too-but it doesn’t stop the overwhelming Mum-guilt that engulfs me every time I’m doing something with just her.
I wish he was with us, joining in on the fun and genuinely feel bad when I tell him what we’ve done while he was at school.
It would obviously be a lot worse if he got upset about it, or asked when he could spend time with me-but he’s happy at school, and at the age where he’s happy spending the day learning with his friends.
It doesn’t stop me feeling the guilt though.
I suppose, at the end of the day, I’m making memories for Olivia, so that she doesn’t look back at her photos and question why she didn’t do the things Kye did.
For me, the battle is making memories that aren’t tainted with the guilt and longing for my first child-and making sure I do enough for my second child.