Today is the 28th of January-which is also known as my Husband’s Birthday-his 32nd this year!
When prepping my work for this month, and getting his presents and Birthday plans sorted, I realised I’ve never used my website to tell the story of us (me and Hubs, not you and I dear reader).
So, what better day to tell it, than on the day we celebrate another year of his life!
Today is the last day of Baby Loss Awareness Week, and, although I’ve shared some previous blogs during the last seven days, I have debated writing this one over and over, deciding finally to share it today.
That’s probably not the way to start a blog but to be honest, I can’t think of another way-I’ve been waiting to find a time when I can speak about what I went through.
And now words seem to fail me. Continue reading
Today is Day 8 of Blogtober 2017, and the theme is Holidays!
I’d love to be one of those people that can list tons of destinations, with memories and bucket list items ticked off. Unfortunately, that won’t be happening on this blog-I’ve barely left the UK-but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to! Continue reading
Today is day 4 of Blogtober 2017! The theme today is Date!
I deliberated over and over about which kind of date I was going to write about-the word is super vague when you think about it. I had pretty much decided on writing about the dating scene-how it was when I was in it, and how it would be now…..
….In the end however, I decided to write about important dates to me-dates of things I treasure the most-because those are more important than the other kind! Continue reading
Welcome to Day 2 of Blogtober 2017! Today’s theme is ‘Babies’!
As some of you may know, I have two children, but have been pregnant five times. I’ve carried five babies, regardless of how long, inside my tum.
I genuinely do think of myself as a Mumma of 2 children, but also of three angels-here’s a blog post explaining more-My 5.
Losing babies is something I don’t think I’ll ever get over-or forget-but having gone through something so horrific really does mean you have to make a decision to ignore what has happened, or face it head on. Continue reading
I really wasn’t sure if I was going to write this post, let alone publish it for judgemental eyes to read.
As most of my readers will be aware-maybe the reason they’d be surprised at the content of this blog-I have had three miscarriages between having Kye and Olivia. It took us two years to get Olivia, and after the heartache of losing babies, I can understand if people are a little shocked that I would write about this kind of thing. Continue reading
In all honesty-I don’t know enough about the subject from an alcoholics point of view to be profound, but I know how it is to be the victim of alcoholism.
I haven’t got it, I should add that, I barely actually drink. Maybe that’s because I’m so scared of being the person that is suffering from it right now.
That person is biologically, my Mother.
I have to say it like that now. I have to say biologically because she is-biologically my Mother. But that’s all she now is. We have no relationship anymore. We haven’t done for over three years. And even prior to that, the relationship was fraught.
All because she chose to make her decisions under the influence of alcohol.
My parents divorced when I was 13. My sister was 10. My brother was 8.
I woke one night to hear them rowing, I crept to the top of the stairs and as I did, my Dad came up, on his way to the bathroom, murmuring as he passed me to go back to bed-that everything was fine.
I’m unsure if she did it to spite him, but my Mum shouted up to me “he’s leaving me-your Dad is leaving us!”
Unable to process this, considering my Dad, my idol, had just told me everything was fine, I rushed back to my bedroom, and got back into bed.
Within minutes, the feeling of worry crept over me and I remember the panic taking over. My Dad came in and I didn’t give him chance to explain. I just kept asking him if it was true.
He confirmed it was, but he wasn’t leaving us, he was leaving my Mum. Nothing would change between him and his children, it was his wife he’d fallen out of love with, not us.
Shortly after he moved out, leaving us with someone grieving the loss of her marriage.
I get this, I really do. 20 years of marriage thrown away like that, you’re going to struggle.
Unfortunately, my understanding didn’t last as long as I hoped it would, because, although I understood she was sad, my 13 year old self assumed we, her children, would remain her driving force to stay strong and keep going because she had us.
It didn’t happen like that at all.
Within a week, she was out every night. She was spending all of her money on drinking in her local pub. I was left at home, at 13, cooking for me and my siblings, getting them into bed on time when she would go out prior to their bedtimes, and making sure all was ready for our school days.
On occasions, she wouldn’t come home until the early hours, on other occasions she’d bring random men back with her and I’d have to try and sleep through loud music, while she continued her party downstairs.
I was effectively a Mum. At the age of 13.
I did this for 5 years. We saw my Dad on a Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday one week, then a Wednesday Thursday and Friday the next. When he met his now, wife, he would holiday with her,, so, in August he’d be away for 3 weeks. I’d dread it.
Not only was it the Summer holidays, so we’d have no school to break up our day, she’d have spent all her money on alcohol so there’d be no days out, no treats.
We’d just count down until he got home.
When I was 18, I got with my husband. For a few months we’d stay at my house every night, because I had the children to look after. Within a year we were engaged, and he made the decision we would get a flat.
If he hadn’t done this, I don’t know where I’d be today.
She was upset when I left, I can never be sure whether it was because I was leaving and her daughter was growing up, or she’d lost her babysitter.
She married again, I didn’t go to her wedding-I wasn’t invited, and I didn’t want to go. Her husband is also alcohol dependent, and openly told her he wished she hadn’t had kids, something he repeated to me during a drunken rant down the phone one night.
During my wedding, which her and her husband attended with my late Grandad, she spent the day with a face like thunder. I can’t watch my wedding video because she taints it in the background constantly. An hour into my reception, following the food and the first dance, she left, to go to her local pub.
During my sons christening, which I also invited her to, she didn’t speak to me or my husband. She sat in the pew in front of us and didn’t even acknowledge my son. At the drinks afterwards, she made her excuses to my Dad and left without speaking to me.
When I lost my three babies after having my son, she wasn’t there-she doesn’t even know she could’ve had three other grandchildren.
The day my daughter was born, I messaged her to tell her the name and weight of her new Granddaughter. She didn’t reply. I messaged again and she responded asking why I’d chosen the name. She was angry my daughter was named after mine and my husbands grandmothers-there was no congratulatory message, no plans to visit and meet my daughter.
She refused to be part of her life unless I allowed both of my children to call her Nanny-something I’d made very clear during many previous arguments, fuelled by her decisions made during drunken phone calls, that she’d not earned that right-that her constant flippant relationship with me and my son, didn’t warrant her to have that title-that it had to be earned. At the time of those conversations she’d agreed.
But suddenly that agreement wasn’t accepted anymore.
She’s never met my daughter. My son doesn’t remember her.
Around 18 months ago, I messaged her during a clear-out of my old photos, to tell her I had pictures of her with her late parents, and I’d give them to my brother to give her if she would like them. She responded telling me to f*** off out of her life.
So I did.
Honestly, I’ve never found a decision so easy but hard, so upsetting but elating, and so final.
There’s a certain element of grief in it. I’m grieving for the Mum I had as a young child. The one who spent time with us, as a family.
But I’m also grieving for the life I never had. For the love I never felt from her. For the cuddles I never had. For the relationship I’ll never have again.
Yes, alcohol did this, but her choice to drink that alcohol, to get through a divorce, caused her to end up addicted to it. She not only make her decisions under that influence, but showed no remorse the following days upon realising her mistakes.
And I’ll never forgive her for that.
Ultimately throughout all of this, I’m left with peace. I have a doting Mother-in-Law, Step-Mum and Auntie (who ironically is my Mother’s sister-another family member alienated by poor life decisions) who play the role of a Mum better than I have ever known.
I have two children who are shielded from a relationship they could have had, with an unhinged adult I couldn’t have allowed to influence their lives.
I am proud of what I do, decisions I make and relationships I have, and I’ve made those decisions based on a need to never act how she has.
I’m not going to lie, today was probably the hardest so far to find things I’m thankful for….it’s been a pretty ploddyploppy (Vicar of Dibley word right there) sort of day, which started off stressful, and ended with rubbish news and a hormonal me didn’t help.
Still, we don’t use these to dwell on the crap, so here are the things I’m thankful for today.
Yayyyyy it’s Friday people! What could you be more thankful for, than Friday! Both my little people are home, I have a whole weekend of snuggles if I see fit, and no horrid school runs to do!
This may seem like an odd one to have to be thankful for, but it’s more about the timing of the illnesses I’m thankful for.
Next weekend is the hubs birthday, and, although he hasn’t been ill before this week in over a year, he got it bad this time. He’s on the mend after being down for the best part of this week, which means he’ll hopefully be OK for his birthday.
The same goes for all of us really, we’ve all had it. It’s Kyes birthday in two weeks too, and although he usually ends up throwing up when we have major plans, there’s nothing planned that can’t be shifted about, and he’s already had the worst of the cold, so thank goodness for timing!
Yeahhhh there’s my girl.
Now, this was a tricky one to add as something (or someone in this case) I’m thankful for, because if you’d asked me why my day was so bad and to think of the negatives, I’d have her as my first issue there. It’s all nursery related, and, although she’s being added to the thankful list, she doesn’t get away that lightly, and there’ll be a separate post about her in the very near future!
Today though, I’m thankful for her tenacity, her resilience, and her general attitude once at nursery. The constant praise and adoration her nursery teachers have for her makes everything else seem like a drop in the ocean, and as long as that continues, I’ll have no worries.
Of course I couldn’t have one without the other, and thankfully he put himself on here by his actions today.
Kye, for a long time, has flourished at school in all lessons, but mainly in maths and reading/writing. His behaviour is impeccable and at every parents consultation, or every meeting with his teachers, they never have a bad word to say about him. The issue usually is, he doesn’t get the recognition for his consistently good behaviour.
Today though, he did. He read to his teacher, and although she knows he’s at the top level, and always has been, she still wrote complimentary things in his reading log, and gave him a reward for it-something he was so genuinely thrilled with when he got home, he couldn’t wait to tell me.
Both my babies make me proud so much, they always deserve to be on the Thankful list.
So all in all, it wasn’t the worst day…..
That’s all from me for today, don’t forget you can join in with this subject yourselves. You can add your comment about what you’re thankful for below in the comments section, or you can tweet me, mention me on Instagram or comment on my Facebook page. Just make sure you use the hashtag #MFBthankful so I can see you!
Until the next time.